Glee deals with impressive content. It did so again this week.

Perhaps though its surprisingly substantial stories are lost in the bubblegum pop (and for the record, any show that can make a Katy Perry song sound incredibly sexy deserves a field of Emmys). But they are there, and for anybody who can relate to Kurt Hummel, there are shockingly familiar.



This past week dealt with romance - and that sense that romance doesn't exist for those who are anything other than straight. How painfully familiar. It also highlighted how useless allies are, because they are not gay. They can stand up to hatred, but they can never make a gay man feel normal - feel as though they belong with the rest of society - as though every thought that they have is just as valid as the thoughts that one's friends has.

And then Kurt Hummel meets Blaine. Suddenly he has an ally who, like him, knows the pain of everything. And everything is painful when you are gay, coming out of the closet, and incredibly lonely and isolated.

Last night I went out with a bunch of friends, all of them straight. Some of my best friends. And I felt isolated (despite them knowing that I am gay). At one point the thought crossed my mind that they were "holding me back from being me". How selfish of me, but is this possibly true...?

A friend who is gay is totally different than a friend who is straight...

Also, I hate the term "no homo." But, just like "that's so gay", one can always say "no hetero". I think....

Nothing quite like that.

One thing I'm learning regularly nowadays.

Never ever stop letting people love you. Tell them you are gay, be fearless in it, and allow them to love you as they always have and with a newfound pride.

Because they will.

Let them be your ally.

Because they will be.

----

I am very fortunate to have the friends that I have. They are all remarkable people.

Today I told a youngin' (18 year old) that I am gay. "And thats how that goes."

He wasn't surprised - said he'd thought it for a while. It didn't matter to him, didn't change our relationship.

As long as I didn't try to grope him (he's a football player, groping him would likely result in a concussion).

I mentioned my two rules: Straight men are "no". 18 year olds are "no". (He's not married yet, so he doesn't need to know about the last one)

I'm his mentor. From Bible Camp.

.... there is nothing like being gay to make you realize how much pride you have... and how regularly you undersell the ability of people to love...

Hurt...

There is nothing like being gay.

Nothing I can imagine.

It forces you to eat your pride, swallow it whole. Allow it to progress through the endocrine system, leave the bladder and spilled to the ground. Rolled around in - smelled.

This is what being gay does to your pride.

Because you are constantly reminded that there is something wrong with you. Something not quite right with you - not quite normal. Something you can't ignore, avoid, live without. And yet is something you embrace.

Until you can no longer embrace it.

I wish I could tell that man who decided that Tim Hortons was a great place to very publicly discuss some men that he saw at Superstore that I am not a "faggot" - but that I am gay.

And I wish I could tell him that I completely embrace it.

But one of these would be a lie.

"... I focused on the pain.
The only thing that's real."

Yesterday, once the sun went below the horizon and all the warmth left the world, the snow began to stay. There couldn't have been much warmth to begin with - it had been snowing all day. But it was melting on the ground until the sun gave into the pressures of a rotating earth.

I don't know the full story of last night's weather system, but I can see the results when I look out of the window of this rented cottage in Maple Creek, SK. The ground is covered in about 2 cms of white stuff that is reminiscent of white stuff that was abdicated its earthen throne only 7 months ago. Like the prodigal son, it has returned to reclaim its rightful place as king of consciousness - making us ever-weary travellers, forcing us to alter our fashions before we are actually prepared, and allowing us to wonder whether or not sand has been put on the roads just yet to add some friction. Every morning.

Until the throne is abdicated again.

The snow has fallen. It has stayed. And winter is here.

And me, without a boyfriend to snuggle up to for warmth...

I've fallen in love with a man named Richard Kim, editor of the American magazine The Nation.

"When faced with something so painful as gay teen suicide, it's easy to scapegoat child bullies. It's hard to create a world that wants queer youth to live and thrive."

I'm going to keep him around.

(Reason that science is bad is forthcoming.)

Disappointing Sex

A sample of a texting conversation that I had today with a friend.

Me: My conclusion in life: wow! Some people are definitely worth looking at.

Leah (friend): Lol! What do you meaaaaan?

Me: Just thought that I would let you know that the most beautiful person in the world was just in my general vicinity.

Leah: Lol! Thats weird, I just called Heather (her fiance) and she didn't say you were in her general vicinity! :P Who was he?

Me: I have no idea. But that did not prevent me from admiring how he fit into his pants all the ways from produce to the check out.

Leah: Ahahahah you are just wonderful!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

And an unfortunate realization. The world is not interested in acting in love to everybody, and as a result, the world is not interested in transforming itself into a better place.

In an unfortunate twist, many "straight allies" have taken the tragic losses of life in the past weeks as a means of becoming ardent war-hawks, intent on ensuring that people can no longer have honest discussions about homosexuality.

I witnessed this on facebook recently, where somebody I went to church with commented on a mutual friend's status update about bullying gay teens. The person I went to church with commented that he loves gay people, but does not approve of their lifestyle.

This is something that we've all heard before. Many times, for those of us who straddle the social groups of church and gay.

And many people instantly attacked him. Many straight people, whose experience as a victim of gay bullying is arguably more vicarious than real, attacked him vehemently. And my heart broke instantly.

You see, this person that attends my church is actually a young teenager, trying to view the world as he has been raised, but just intelligent enough to be willing to step into an open debate about the topic. He is asked questions of his position, and he provides honest answers. And he gets asked more questions. And they become more and more pointed. And more numerous.

And more inappropriate.

Its a form of bullying. Intellectual in format, and it forces people to become more and more isolated and less and less willing to communicate.

You see, these suicides have arroused a massive alarm. Finally.

And yet, it has also caused an incredible amount of anger that, rather than looking to console and change the world, wants to point fingers and blame individuals. This instead of welcoming them, discussing, and allowing both to be changed as a result. And somehow I have noticed that to be the attitude shared by our "straight allies".

For some reason, those people who went through the scalding and terrorizing reality of gay bullying for their entire life (and who continue to go through it) appear to be more interested in having a heart to heart; a life-changing discussion. Changing perspectives demands, absolutely demands, love.


To my friend from church: thank you for your honesty, and your willingness to be vulnerable. Thank for sharing your verses, for saying that you do not wish to condemn and do not condemn anybody, and do not claim to know God's heart completely; thank for saying you love gay people despite their actions.

To those random people who claim to be allies: I appreciate your support for the cause of putting an end to gay bullying, but if you can't love everybody then I am not entirely certain that I want your love. Everything we do must be done in grace, must be done in the interest of change, and must put us in an equally vulnerable position. Otherwise we reinforce perspectives of being cold, arrogant, and lacking in love. None of these things are good.

To my gay allies: May we never forget that we have an opportunity to transform the world whenever people are prepared to honestly discuss with us. It is our responsbility to love, accept, and offer ourselves as a response.

(and next time, why science is bad...)

I wish I couldn't believe in God.

But Leonard Cohen's torture makes me remember that, even through my torturous attempts, I can only fail.