"I would like to buy $3 worth of God - not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup or warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine. I don't want enough of God to make me love a black man or pick beets with a migrant. I want ecstasy, not transformation. I want the warmth of the womb, not a new birth. I want about a pound of the eternal in a paper sack. I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please." (Wilbur Reece)
My discussion last night with Joel made me realize how little faith I have in the world that I live in, and how little faith I have in the inspiration of God to change the world; to make it an environment of love.
Joel suggested that there are people in my church are much more capable of love than I want to give them credit for. I have my doubts. But Joel said that there are people in my church that are aware of the radical love of God's kingdom, and try their hardest to live it out. People that know that God's love is far too radical to allow for hate - not just because they are a dueling opposites, but because God is not hate.
I want to be able to afford that radical love to the people of my church. To the pastors of my church. I want to have faith in God for change. And I should be so inspired by the change that has taken place for the gay community at large.
But then shootings take place in Israel at a gay community center for teenagers.
And I hide in my closet. The revolutionary in me dies down. I am quiet. I stumble in the dream of being straight.
Damn my fear. Shit on my cynicism. I wish to dispose of them and become a good person again. The person I want to be.
Joel is a good friend.
I do not know you, but I know your church. And I agree with Joel.
ReplyDeleteI pray that when you do find the courage to be honest about your struggles, you will not undervalue the love and acceptance shown to you by individuals, for I know that this church is home to many who will accept and love you.
I'm afraid you will never find official acceptance from the church and its leaders, for you are right that it is very conservative, and is bound by the conservative rules of the wider conference. Your revolution need not split a church and cause harmful division. But revolution can also happen in the minds and hearts of fellow believers.
Why do you want this revolution? Is it out of love for the body of Christ? Or is it out of spite for leaders who are more bound than you know by human obligation?
I think I appreciate your prayers. I'm not sure what they will do, but thank you anyways. I also appreciate that we share the same fear, and the same hope for change. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your questions, I cannot deny that my intentions are entirely selfish. I want to be accepted for me; a blessing that I don't afford to everybody so I cannot expect to be afforded. And all Biblical basis for the interaction between the homosexual community and the church is entirely based on a selfish interpretation of the message of hope - to include me, before the church knows that I am actually gay. It may be true, but it is not pure.
"Out of spite for leaders who are more bound than you know by human obligation?" I need to learn how to grant people their humanity, especially those who are in constant comparison with scripture. Thank You.