I can’t believe I was so foolish.
You’d think that I would’ve known better than to think that my parents would just have this figured out. They don’t have the slightest idea of the world that I live in everyday, and the constant reminders that are sent my way to continue to push me outside.
And how desperately I need them to stand up to that misogynistic, only slightly-veiled homophobic brother of mine.
His behaviour is insulting and threatening.
And my parents tell me that he will change his behaviour if I tell him that I find it insulting, or degrading, or hurtful. If I tell him I am gay, then he will know not to behave in the manner that he does around me.
My question is whether or not his behaviour around me matters that much – and why knowing I am gay should change his behaviour in any considerable way. Shouldn’t he being expected to have the integrity to act like a respectful person regardless?
My brother will only find out I am gay when my wedding approaches. And that is if I send him an invitation.
Until then, he will continue to make comments like this:
“The only reason a guy hangs out with that many women is to chase tail.”
And after my wedding, he will no longer make comments like that around me.
Which, really, brings to question whether or not telling him is worth it. Is it my job to change people, even those who are close to me, or should I just expect that people should get the sensitivity of oppression without being told?
I'll start by quoting two parts of what you say:
ReplyDelete1- "My question is whether or not his behaviour around me matters that much – and why knowing I am gay should change his behaviour in any considerable way. Shouldn’t he being expected to have the integrity to act like a respectful person regardless?"
2- "Is it my job to change people, even those who are close to me, or should I just expect that people should get the sensitivity of oppression without being told?"
None of us are born with "the integrity to act like a respectful person." We all learn to be one of those persons through thousands of factors: our education, class, who we interact with, our capacity of empathize, our own realizations, what we read, what we see, what seems visible and invisible etc. etc. None of us de-facto have it. We need to cultivate it and for some people, it takes longer to cultivate than others.
This brings us to the second part: Is it your job, your duty to educate? I don't know. I am tempted to say YES. Isn't it what it's about: when one is enlightened, one transfers the light to another? Think about your favorite ice-cream or your favorite restaurant that you really wanted to share with your friends and family.
Now, what I am saying is that yes, you COULD be an agent of change, you could raise the sensitivity of people around you about whatever you might be committed to. Do you HAVE TO do it? No. Do it only when you feel ready and confident enough to do it. Maybe you can't face your brother yet, and that's okay. Take your time. But yes, ultimately, you could change things, you could bring him the awareness that you yearn to see in him.
I was discussing a legal case recently centering around a white, upper middle-class, male who is a judge in his 50s who has never had any sort of trouble ever in his entire life. My question was: what does he know about the cases that come in front of him? How can he even understand the plight of the woman who tried to kill her husband because he was beating her? His lacks of empathy makes him follow the legal book line by line, rule by rule. So the woman is wrong if she stabbed her husband-- doesn't matter that she got beaten up for the past 12 years.
And then, there was another case, with the same judge that had to do with homophobic violence. And you know what? The judge could get it! Why? Because his own son is gay. If his son wasn't gay, he probably wouldn't have understood the nature of the discrimination.
Now, replace the judge by your brother. See what I mean.
On a more personal note, my brother is not homophobic. He doesn't mind the queer folks. But it bothers the hell out of him that there is a gay man in the family. It's hard for me. The way he channels it is by pointing to my other failures in life and never to my queerness. And he thinks it's a good thing that I live in Canada at the mo. Doesn't want a faggot in the house, do we?
Take your time, think about it and when you're ready, you'll know what to do/say.