Home. Again.

So today was my first day off work in Val Marie, Saskatchewan. In this bustling town of 110 people, where every business except for my office closes on a Sunday, what is one to do for entertainment to last 24 hours?

Well, you'd be surprised how much is available. I've already found that two of my seven nights of freedom during the week are going to be routinely abducted by a movie being shown at the local community hall (this past Friday it was Clash of the Titans - which almost got me posting about Sam Worthington and how much I wish he would do just one scene without his shirt on), and another night devoted to an ongoing indoor soccer tournament between some of the local researchers (biologists and archaeologists).

Today though, I read. A lot. Finished off Nineteen Eighty-Four and am now moving on to A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood. When I wasn't reading, I walked around town and found a church with a piano that is open 24 hours a day. I quickly gathered my music from my home and practiced. For more than an hour and a half - it was so nice to return to an activity I was expecting to abandon for months. I also, almost, went to my first ever cow-branding - only missing my ride because of poor communication. When all that ended, I made myself a salad, packed it into some tupperware, walked to a local radio tower and climbed up to a platform, and watched the sun set. Sounds pretty much idyllic. If I ever figure out how to be gay in this town, I may just fall in love with it out here.

Interestingly enough, I was asked earlier today if I was gay. I think it was a passing question - perhaps even an attempt at a joke. I denied that I was - it wasn't exactly a safe sort of scenario. But this is the second or third time that I have done this since I have been 'out', and each time it makes me more and more retrospective about whether or not I am comfortable with who I am. And each time I ask this question, I get shoved between a rock (the reality that I may not be in a safe place) and a hard place (the principle that I should be proud of myself regardless of who and where I am).

But, once again I am spending too much time talking about myself when the point of this post is to develop the topic of Malawi and Africa and their ideals about homosexuality, because I have found an interesting article on BBC Newsworld that considers how Africans - at least those who have been informed - have perceived Malawi's defence of traditional sexual identities.

What I have found by doing some digging is an interesting story – a debate between the rich and poor, with Tiwonge Chimbalanga and Steven Monjeza being used as pawns in the middle of an international storming of the bridgades. And many Africans being none-too-pleased with it.

You see, many people from countries that donate enormous amounts of aid to Malawi and other African countries that have laws against homosexuality have recently been thrown over the edge of tolerance for intolerable legal policy; the recent development of legislative documents in Uganda and the arrests of these two men have tossed them into the deep seas of international scrutiny. As such, many internationals (for lack of a better short-form term) have said that their governments should pull aid from countries that do not fully recognize the individual rights that many states in the West use as the compass for legislation. One person, writing under the name modernJan, wrote:

"Should we leave Africa to handle homosexuality at its own pace and in whichever way it sees fit?" Imagine it's the late 1930's and someone asks the question: "should we leave Nazi Germany to handle Jewry at its own pace and in whichever way it sees fit?" My answer: if Africa starts killing off homosexuals than the West should kill off the flow of aid money. How could anyone condone that gay people in the West pay taxes that are partly used to prop up regimes in Africa that persecute gays?

Her idea was mimicked by WilliamLondon1977:

Honestly, these backward little countries and their "we reject Western moral paradigms but we actually rely on their money and ongoing goodwill" - if they don't care about evolving towards globally accepted standards of human rights or how they are seen by more enlightened, developed countries, fine, we get it -- but they shouldn't expect any aid or anything. Try paying for your anti-retrovirals with a crate of chickens and see how far you get.

This is extremely sad indeed.

Fascinating.

The response in Africa has been very different. Many Malawians have used this court ruling and their stand against international powers as a means of asserting their sovereignty as a state to create and impose their own laws. On a website called the BNL Times which acts as an online daily for Malawi, many blogs and features have offered their perspective on the events surrounding Tiwonge Chimbalanga and Steven Monjeza’s arrests. What one finds is a high degree of pride.

In the view of Vales Machila, it is the right of the government of Malawi to enforce the laws that they have created within the confines of their constitution, even if they conflict with the ideals of the United Nations. This is the very definition of sovereignty; and, so long as the domestic population is in support of laws, they should not be repealed. It was the wheels of justice that turned and caught Chimbalanga and Monjeza underfoot, not hatred.

In order to defend his perspective, he references the Biblical ordinances against homosexuality – a source that is increasingly recognized as insufficient to defend legislation in the West. In Malawi, it would seem, that many of these laws are still valid. Machila also recognizes the role that power relationships between states has played in the development of international scrutiny:

Why should our laws be unimportant to anyone, just because we are a poor nation? This is abhorrent and grossly unfair. Malawi, by its own laws, committed no wrong in arresting and convicting the duo. It is most unfair for little Malawi to be threatened with aid suffocation for simply standing by its rights. Malawi, though tiny on the map, has rights too and her votes count on world forums. Where is respect for sovereignty of nations the world so much preaches about?

What I have found most interesting is that Africa has not always been a continent caught in homophobia. Like many ancient cultures that had limited communication with the Judeo-Christian world, homosexuality was once revered as a means of understanding the sacred. It was not uncommon for chiefs of African tribes to have, amongst their wives, boys and men with whom they would perform sexual acts. African homophobia is a product of colonialism – the laws upon which the modern African constitutions are based are European in origin. So, in a twisted way, the defense of Malawian laws against homosexuality is really a defense of the European influence in Malawi rather than a push against international pressures. What is being seen here is a complete acceptance of the immense changes that European colonization inflicted on the regions they took over, not a historically accurate reclamation of Africa – just a imagined sense of what Africa represents.

Daniel Nyirenda writes perhaps a more convincing tune, and also recognizes that steps are needed for Malawi to decrease their dependency on foreign aid so that they can stand up for their persecution of homosexuals in the future. He writes the following:

Some of the donors, in their argument, say Tiwonge Chimbalanga, a bride, and Steven Monjeza, groom, had not wronged anyone by holding an open gay wedding. This thinking is purely Western where they value personal freedoms ahead of societal freedoms. However, this argument is not a one-size-fits-all because here in Africa, we greatly respect societal values. It is against this philosophy that Monjeza and Aunt Tiwo, much as they did not hack anyone with a panga, they committed an offence by butchering the norms, cultures, the psyche and way of living of Malawian society. This line of thinking is one which Western people may find it hard to appreciate.

Once again, fascinating. What we see considered here is a conflict of worldview between the donors of the West and the people that are receiving the donations. According the Nyirenda, the open gay engagement that Chimbalanga and Monjeza used to celebrate their love for each other is an open defiance of the society that they live in and is, as a result, harmed the grander society. Interesting, as this same idea has been very strongly combated in the United States, where marriage equality still does not exist; what is argued south of the border is that gay marriage does not actually affect anybody outside of the couple. Nyirenda is attempting to argue otherwise as a cultural feature – though he provides no evidence, it is quite interesting.


I don’t want to paint all Africans, or all Malawians for that matter, with the same brush. There is a growing support, including some Anglican Clergy, that is pushing for greater levels of equality for homosexuals, starting by refusing to berate them as a people group in church.

Now here is the challenge for me as an individual that tries to have a more globalized perspective on the state of affairs, and attempts to imagine how powerlessness and powerfulness affect the ways in which individuals and states relate to each other. Here we’ve a situation in which the threat of removing International Aid has been applied to an issue that I find of great import – the propagation and development of international human rights.

And my response is this: What an easy way out.

In reality, international pressure very rarely alters how people view minorities. And it isn’t wrong for Vales to recognize that international pressures are likely being placed on Malawi because of their relative insignificance as an international power: similar international attacks are very rarely placed on China, Iran, or Saudi Arabia as they attack homosexual communities with equal and even greater vigor. Each of these nations is an economic and resource-rich powerhouse, capable of placing equal pressure on us as we can on them – and, it would seem, the individual human rights of homosexuals in Saudi Arabia are considerably less important than the West’s need to fill their car’s gas tanks.

And, in reality, Malawi does have the right to create its own legislation decreed by the ideals of Democracy and Self-Governance. Though both of these principles are somewhat fractured in modern international politics, it is not particularly naïve of the people of Malawi to want to maintain this ideal when they feel their rights for self-governance are being infringed upon. It is even a classic case.

In considering both of these realities, the only truly effective change can only come from within the state of Malawi – where the people of Malawi no longer feel as though the laws of the government reflect the realities of their life.

As an internationalist, even as a gay internationalist, I would find that the linking of foreign aid to gay rights is absurd, just as linking foreign aid to the refusal to sponsor abortion rights is absurd (thank you, Stephen Harper). In reality, foreign aid is about helping individuals and states create infrastructure and better the living standards of people around the world – providing necessary goods and services to people that otherwise wouldn’t have them. They are the closest thing that exist to international Equalization Payments and essentially a good thing in producing a more economically equal planet. Much as I like to think that my country has the right to impose their ideals (ideals I find generally much more agreeable than those found around the world) on nations when they are giving away my tax money, I would rather they put efforts into educating the population and providing the roots for the grass of change to grow out of. The more homegrown the legislation the more likely it is to last and change the society that it is meant to regulate. This is a good thing.

And, thanks to the efforts of Monjeza and Chimbalanga, some of these changes are starting to take place. A historic debate is starting in Malawi that may change the course of homosexual issues in Malawi and that region of Africa for the better. It seems that Harvey Milk may be living in Africa these days…


Anyways, I have to go out – Grasslands National Park was just designated as a Dark Sky Preserve and so we’ve got some programs coming up where we will be guiding visitors through constellations. Which means I have to know what they are and know how to operate a telescope. Which also means that I have the coolest job in the world – because the program also includes telling stories from many international cultures about the various constellations. This Wednesday I will be learning about some Cree stories from a Cree story-teller as he presents them to a class. I cannot wait.

Val Marie is the coolest place ever.

The events that change our world are often subtle. Revolutions regularly start as an idea that is put into practice on a small scale, then flourishes, and suddenly consumes society. It is shocking when it happens, and nobody really understands what started it until they look back and consider the moment of human's ingenuity - when it caught on, and how it refused to fail.

As a people, we like to imagine that the world we live in is planned and controlled. My worldview, and the way that I have been trained to study history demands this. Things happen for a reason, that intent happens, and leads to other events. Everything is logical - can be traced.

We also like to focus on what many historians call "Pop History". The events that entered the media but really did very little to affect reality.

One such event happened today, in Vancouver, when a man was sentenced to a year in prison for his singular attack on a man walking down the street holding his boyfriend's hand. As a gay community, we should celebrate this moment for the use of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms in penalizing a hate crime - a rare event for us. In the same city though, Lisa Reimer, a Lesbian teacher working for a Catholic School was put on teacher suspension after parents found out about her orientation - the school board, knowing they can't fire her because of the Charter of Rights and Freedom, have put her on marking duty. Its a kick in the teeth.

We'll focus on these events, with really considering the social revolutions that are defining us a people. I don't mean to be offensive to Lisa or Jordan (the man attacked), but in the long run, the crimes committed against them should not be over-sensationalized by the press as the canvas of our society runs with paint of other, more distressing realities.

A film for you to watch - containing a message that we are all familiar with, but need to be continually reminded of.



How do I become hydro-carbon neutral? Is it event possible? How do I change my daily living so that I impact the natural and human environments not just less, but positively? When can my understanding of humanity extend beyond my community of friends and family, my national concerns, my international concerns, and become holistic? Holistic in the sense of definition rather than in the sense of the buzz-word.

A website I recommend to you.

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I have a new goal. Everytime I go and purchase foods of any sort, I will donate food to the food bank. I'm going to try and start with one item per purchase - eventually I want to move towards a tithing machine. To humble me to the needs of the people around me that I don't know, that I choose not to see, and not to interact with. Who have an equal right to food as I do.

amour-propre

What does it mean to have Gay Pride?

Over the past couple of days, many of my friends who blog have been writing responses to this question in light of the recent postings for Straight Pride by the Tea Party (that right-winged collection of tax and health-care opposing individuals in the states).

Months ago, as one of my first blog entries, I wrote about an interview with Hugh Jackman that I had read, in which he stated that sexuality is such a small part of our being, and that to be restricted to one's sexuality as the single defining aspect of one's being is quite unfortunate.

And I agreed with him back then. And I agree with him now. I am so much more than gay, in the same way that many of my friends are so much more than straight. The fact that many of my straight friends have had to fight to discover their identity just as I have (though, I would argue whether or not they have had to fight to preserve it in the same way that many homosexuals have) points to this fact. Our sexuality is nothing.

And yet... it is everything.

I have one friend, to whom I came out months ago, who said that I needed to stop using the term gay as the one that best defines myself. I never quite understood this response, but it remains his concern. I haven't any idea where this criticism is coming from, but it is rather hurtful. I remain an admittedly fragile person while telling people that I am gay - I have not yet adopted the idea that people are going to have to just live with it (even though I have to live with the fact that so many people are straight).

And so this question of Gay Pride is an important one for me to consider. Daily. As I try and discern how it is that I now exist, as an out-gay man, in a society that doesn't understand me but is willing to mostly tolerate me. As long as I'm not holding hands in public, or kissing my boyfriend in a playground while surrounded by children.

Do I shout my sexuality from the hilltops? Be militant about it? Do I turn every issue into an issue of gender? Do I push people to come out themselves, just so that the gay cause can advance?

I hope not.

My Gay Pride is about me finally accepting everything about myself and being willing to share it with the world that I live in. And learning that the response that I get is of infinitely less importance than my willingness to experience love in a way that I have never felt it before.

I read this on a blog recently. It was a comment left behind.

"Being gay is the most important feature of my life for two reasons. Two very important reasons. It is how I love. And it is who I love.

When I meet that guy that I am going to fight for and fight with, I will be in the most defining relationship of my life. Being gay, and being attracted to and falling in love with him, is the most defining characteristic in your life. That is why we come out. That is why we tell people who we love."

Fundamentally, I am gay. I am so much more than gay, but gay nonetheless. It determines who I love, and how I am transformed by that love. A lot of me is not dependent on me being gay, but a lot of me is.

Just a reminder...

"Wow. That sucks dick!"

Are you aware of how frequently I hear this phrase coming out of the mouths of youth that I work with? And how much it reminds me of how far into the shadows of my sexuality I need to be in order to communicate with some of these people?

Yesterday I went out with a youth with whom I have had a good, close relationship for about four years. Unfortunately, it had been about a year since we had last hung out. Admittedly, he is the kid that cared about me as much as I cared about him - when I started approaching depression again about a year ago, he was the only person to call me on it. Unfortunately, he wasn't somebody I could tell the source of my depression to.

But he forced me to deal with it.

Yesterday, we were talking about life over the past year. Oddly enough, this always develops into a discussion about God. So, here I was, a non-church membered, former youth sponsor, former Bible camp counsellor, gay former Christian, gingerly drinking my overly hot Chai Latté and talking about God with a kid that was once in my cabin at camp and who has always struggled with his identity as a Christian. We have mutual concerns over one of his cousins who recently returned from a year at Bible College - he seems more than just different; he seems like he is aiming for conversion. Neither of us like that.

He told me two stories.

One about a tragic event. It "sucked dick".

Another about a university staff member who recently came to his high school to try and promote the university football team and used terms such as "faggot", "pussy", and "queer" in his presentation. He shared his frustration, disgust and embarrassment with me.

My heart sank a bit. Because here is a genuine kid - a great young man who will be a golden adult. Here is a kid who, when he is told something is wrong and understands why (I converted him away from using the term "chick" to describe women a couple years ago - I described to him how it is rather derogatory towards women, even if they don't recognize it as such). Here is one of the friendliest, most charming kids on the planet who sees the most attractive aspect of Christianity as the part he sees in peoples hearts and eyes, hands and feet rather than in their words. Here is a kid who is searching for something so much bigger than he is but who has never had good guidance.

But, like so many out there, here is a kid who has never been properly told how sexual and repressive our daily language is - and has never considered how it can hurt others, unless he is told specific terms to avoid. Like faggot, pussy, and chick.


I wanted to tell him that sucking dick probably isn't actually that bad.

And then to cover myself up, I wanted to remind him that his girlfriend was willing to do it to him.

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All that being said, I'm getting ready to love this world. I can feel something happening inside me. There is this light - this cancerous growth - that is altering my actions. It is at once familiar and entirely new; I've felt this before, but I've never felt it when I have had so much freedom to be myself. Love.

Change we can believe in.

You may not have noticed it happen.

There was a breeze though. A change in the direction of the wind. A faint but noticeable fragrance of lilacs. Something happened.

It was yesterday. I was outside enjoying the spring sun. And then it happened.


Americans found themselves covered by health insurance. All of them. When a new bill, complicated and completely new for an America that is increasingly wary of government involvement in their life, was voted on and passed the American houses of representation.

This is the kind of moment that, had it taken place two thousand years ago, would be written about by scholars as though some cloth separating the people from the experience of rightness was ripped in half.

Something happened. And for millions of Americans, life will never be the same.

The Rainbow Connection

Last Saturday night, a few things happened that I didn't expect. I found myself in the local University bar, sitting at a table with my Lesbian friends and a few strangers, watching men and women dance in costume that is usually reserved for people of the opposite "gender". And I was shocked.

This experience was entirely cultural. I started out the evening, upon realizing how much culture surrounded me, by asking a friend if it was wrong to look at the event through the lens of an anthropologist. She laughed - and reminded me that gay culture has been around for a long time - that modern gay culture has been percolating for more than 60 years, and that I had a lot to get caught up on.

A couple notes: the environment was very supportive of the dancers. There is an established system of tipping the dancers. Dancing with your partner on the side while others dance is totally agreeable. Large paintings of penises and vaginas with holes in them are perfect places to take photos. Women are welcome to use the men's washroom - I'm not entirely certain if this is a two-way street. Comeradery is important - relationships are important; friends who have been friends for years sit together and have fun together. It isn't wrong to look around and see if anybody attractive is sitting at the table next to you, and then to strike up a conversation with them. Fun is the raison d'etre - make sure that you have it; and hold back, but don't be afraid to let loose a bit. Watching a man, dressed as Octomom, give birth to the forgotten ninth baby while on stage, lip-synching to a song about the saintly virtues of motherhood will never, ever get old. Laughter was the soup du jour.

It was refreshing to walk into a public environment where I wasn't in a minority; where humour about being gay never felt like a slander or off-handedly offensive slight. Where there were numerous straight people, with their partners, holding hands and enjoying themselves - sitting across the table from numerous gay people, with their partners, holding hands and enjoying themselves. Where the sexualities seemed to naturally blend in a communal revelry of the intricacies of humanity and sex. The room and its activities did not feel obscene or inappropriate; it was instead a celebration of people getting to be who it is that they naturally are.

I felt safe the entire time.

There were moments where it felt like a form of utopia. It was until I was covered in sweat, which was mostly my own, that I realized I was too tired to allow the night to continue.

Also, discovered that the most attractive man at the university is gay. I was pleased. Even more pleased to find he was in a steady relationship - because that was what the night seemed to be about: community, relationship, love, support. Sex, despite the dominance of sexuality as the night's theme, only popped up on the dance floor.




By the way, I danced with a boy. It was a nice experience. Entirely new. Looking forward to doing it again.

Also, life lesson from Saturday night - kissing women really isn't as bad as I have always made it out to be. Their lips are much, much softer.

With a little help from my friends

Every time I read the word "Husband" on the blog Gay Family Values, I think of my future. I think of happiness, and joy, and feeling complete. And I get this incredible urge to tell my parents, and the rest of the world, that I am interested in finding a husband.

In living my life, hand in hand, with another man.

And I am very, very excited about this possibility.

The sense of danger still exists, but I am becoming more and more resistant to it. It is an increasingly weak sensation. Fear is falling to pieces. I am starting to feel comfortable; maybe even proud about my existence (please note that it is very tempting to go open a discussion of pride right now, but I don't want to ruin the moment, so I don't plan on doing this right now).

Is this what hope feels like?

I like it.

For those about to Rock.

So, the past several weeks have been very interesting for me. Somehow, in some twisted method, I have managed to become a member of a gay group of friends, wherein I am the only gay member surrounded by Lesbians. And I am loving it - I get to talk about the attractive men that walk by as we visit, and get to hear about their past relationships.

I get to be taken to the local gay bar. Be hit on.

Not really hit on by anybody that I would hit on, but it was a new experience anyways.

I think I am starting to get over this gay thing, little by little.


But the reality is that I am not out yet. Unfortunately, I have now established two distinct groups of friends: those that know I am gay, and those that don't (my family remains in the latter). Those that know find me entirely comfortable, with a new excitement and passion for life that does not seem to be overtly stifled. Those that don't know of my homosexuality are finding that I am increasingly cold-shouldered (my family remains in the latter).

I really want to fix this.

I had the experience today of starting to organize a soccer team where my Lesbian friends would be mixing with my friends from Group A (the group of the uninformed). This terrifies me - because I don't even know how to interact with the two groups mutually, and because I am been spending such an excessive amount of time with the Lesbians over the past couple weeks that I may or may not know how to interact with homosexuals anymore. It seemed totally weird today to do so. As though I was putting on a show.

And it is nice to think that this "show" is something that I am becoming progressively more unaccustomed to.


Earlier this week, I sent my friend, Anthem, a message telling him that I plan on having kids. For those of you who are still reading this blog despite the several weeks that have now transpired since my last posting, you may have noticed that I am now following another blog, entitled Gay Family Values.

I try to shy away from anything that is explicitly gay - but am finding this community to be more and more empowering as I become slightly more involved with it, and comfortable with it.

And Gay Family Values is one of those reasons. This is a blog from the makers of a Youtube Channel called depfox - a couple of gay men in California who have children. Their channel is inspiring. They make me hope for having a real life, and make me want to actively pursue it.

It is possible that I can tell my parents that I am gay so that I can do this.

To get them out of this latter group, and into the first.

To no longer give them the cold-shoulder, and just love them with my actions as much as I do with me heart.

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In other news, watch this video of Wanda Sykes. Hilarious.