I know your angry! I'm angry!

I woke up this morning and with a great deal of immediacy looked for results of the vote on gay marriage in Maine that took place yesterday. What I discovered was far from promising. CNN was reporting that, with 87% of polls reporting, the split was 53% to 47% in opposition of extending the right of marriage to homosexual couples.



I am in shock that the nation of America is not shaking right now. The constitution has been taken to its knees and forced to choke down the bigotry of the majority.



Unfortunately this is a common theme in American history. Women have been denied the right to vote. Black men denied the right to own property. Black people denied the right of religion. All largely by de facto oppression of persons who are "afflicted" with "conditions" over which they have no control.



But really, being a woman isn't a "condition". Neither is being black.



Neither is being gay. And being gay and in love cannot possibly be a "condition".



As Americans became aware of these concerns, the nation and its constitution trembled. The American Civil War was caused, in part, by the inequal rights offered slaves. The Women's rights movement altered the economy, and made every home in the country quiver with concern and tension.



The gay rights movement does not have this effect. It hasn't had that effect in Canada, and has not had this effect in America. We don't start wars. We don't have a face in every home that forces the tension of reality to be recognized by every person in the nation. We hide, and we sulk, and we march down streets - but not all of us. We get beaten, or killed, or told to move out of neighbourhoods or "face the consequences". We get called members of the "b" team. Our ability to have morals is questioned.


Is your sense of hope diminishing? Am I supposed to have some gratitude?

I wish I could pretend that the gay marriage movement in the states doesn't matter to me, as a gay man living in Canada. But I am enormously aware of how important marriage is, having only recently become familiar with the potential for marriage in my own life. Marriage provides an option for a future permanent romantic life that terms such as "civil union" and "domestic partnership" cannot capture. My own late discovery of gay married couples has alarmed me to this possibility in my own life.



And I can't imagine living without this vision of hope anymore.


In Canada this almost happened, and I wish I could share my rage at Stephen Harper's mere mention that it was a possibility in 2006. But it didn't. It has now happened twice in America, in two separate states located on opposite sides of the North American continent. California and Maine both had extended the right of marriage to gay couples only to have that opportunity, and human right, revoked by the populace.



The argument that human rights are extended by the proliferation of democracy is weaker now than ever.

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I'm angry because my personal philosophy and sense of dignity has been challenged once more. My knees have shaken. My foundation turned to dust.

America, your constitution has been spit on - the same constitution for which you have fought many wars, the same constitution that learn about in school. The basic law of your land has been repealed by your own people. Why is your foundation not turning to dust? Where is your anger? Moreover, where is your love?

Mob rule and the right to marry.

Today, in three American states, the question of gay marriage is being taken to the electorate. I doubt that it will find public support in any of the states, but I think there is an immense opportunity for hope. Polls in Maine are particularly close. Tomorrow votes will have been counted and there will be some certainty on if homosexuals in three states can get married in the near future.

In this battle, considerable amounts of hate literature has been produced. They prey on your fears of homosexuals, and of change. Do you fear me? Are you seriously concerned about my ability to love? What about my ability to enjoy the same title as you - husband?

Bryan, from Gay Family Values, wrote this in conclusion to a recent posting about the elections taking place. "If we lose, we will do as we have always done. Pick up our bruised and broken bodies, bury our dead, reaffirm the hope in our hearts and fight on because we know that you won't stop until you have made our lives a criminal offense."

I am so thankful to live in Canada. But not everybody has the same opportunity. Indeed, mob rule is currently preventing marriage from being granted to people who were born just as I was. And just as you were. Only being born 90 miles south of my hometown.

Some of us are fortunate. Some of us are not.

Try living without marriage for a while. Not only that, try living without marriage even if you want it very much. Add on top of that the reality that there is no constitutional basis for the restriction of marriage to heterosexual couples. Add on top of this the sheer enormity of social persecution of homosexuals and heterosexuals who are pushing for marriage equality. Is there room for hope?

I thank God for Americans and their willingness to fight and have hope. I admire you, for your strength and your absolute refusal to give up in your pursuit of equality. Total equality. Don't stop at marriage. Don't stop until the word "faggot" is removed from society, or until you can walk down a street holding your partners hand without any fear of being ridiculed. Or beaten. Don't stop until two men can dance with each other on television.

This is the Canadian fight, and I look forward to having you working on a more equal plain as us. May we find inspiration in your fight, and may we join together to forever alter the way that society understands equality, discrimination, and sexuality.

Americans -you may make a revolutionary out of me yet.

This one's a knee-slapper.

Hey Mom and Dad,

This is going to be an interesting letter, and probably includes a lot of information that shouldn't be shared in letter format. But, despite many urges and attempts in the past to share this with you over personally, I have not yet been able to. So I am trying a new format, and hoping it will lead to some success.
I think all three of us could agree that our relationship has changed considerably over the past year, and largely for the worse. I'm become more cold, biting, and disconnected from both of you. I have caused both of you a lot of frustration, and a lot of pain - and this is entirely unacceptable to me. I'm hoping that this letter can redirect that trajectory that we have been on for far too long.
Mom and Dad. I'm gay.

I know that you already know this, and that I am merely confirming your suspicions, so hopefully this isn't too much of a shock for you.

Please know that, even though I am gay, and even though I am aware of it now more than ever, and even though some of my friends (and you) are aware of it now more than ever, I am still me. One of the most challenging parts of me realizing my own sexuality (and accepting it) has been trying to relate to homosexuals that I can imagine or that I see in the media. This has been largely impossible for me, until quite recently. I've lately come to the conclusion that I am not going to become "gay", but that being Neal Adolph is being "gay." I am beginning to understand that I have not become gay since starting the "coming out" process, but that I have always been gay and I am merely letting people in on the news. This is an enormous part of my life, and an enormous part of my future. I sincerely look forward to a future of being comfortable in my own skin.
I understand that, even if you have suspected this for a long time, this process of learning of your son's homosexuality can be quite difficult. I have no idea what that kind of struggle is like. But I can promise you that my sexuality has not been a simple reality to accept for me either. This would be most difficult for you if you had no idea that my sexuality was less-than-typical. I know that this is going to challenge a lot of your images of what I am to accomplish in life. You may even become fearful. And, though I doubt it, you may react with sincere concern and negativity to this reality. You will react in some way, and I am going to accept your reaction regardless of what it may be.
There are a few things that I would like from you two. First, don't call me right away. Part of the reason that I am doing this in a letter is so that I don't have to face your initial reactions. I want to give the two of you some time to seriously consider this admission of myself. And one evening will not be enough, so, secondly, when I come home tonight, I would really like for it to not be overly emotional. I would ideally like for it to be just as it is every other night when I come home, though I know this isn't likely. I know that this will take time to process, and that it is going to affect our relationship in some way, and I want you two to think about what having a gay son means. I don't want to be barraged with enormously personal questions just yet, because I'm not ready to discuss this with you. Just acknowledge its existence, so that, in the near future, when we sense that it is time, we can have a sincere dialogue about this. Thirdly, I would ask that you not inform anybody else of this. I am slowly releasing control of my sexuality, but I have not done so enough to have knowledge of it widespread. Most people won't be surprised. Most people will respond positively. Some people won't. I want to pretend I have some control over this. In particular, don't tell Keith, as I really would prefer to tell him myself in the near future.
At this point, my fear of your reaction has largely abetted. I trust the two of you immensely, and love you both. My failure to say this to your face reflects the challenge of admitting one's homosexuality to their parents, and nothing more. Please, accept my apology for presenting this information with this format. Writing words is sometimes easier than saying them, and "GAY" is a big, three-letter word that is a little hard to pronounce at times.
I really, really look forward to when my sexuality can be discussed openly with you two (and, much to my dismay, it may be good for you to raise it when I am not entirely ready but you are. I need to start giving up a bit of control over this). I have been waiting 22 years for this.

Have a Happy Halloween.


With love...

_________________________________________

Sometimes you send letters that will change your life.

Snake eyes.

I saw a friend today, and he said he would pray for me.

We were talking about my future after school, and I shared my complete confusion over what to do with my life. I don't know whether to teach for a couple years, or to go to Graduate school, or to move away and figure myself out for a bit. It is a very difficult decision to make economically.

And when he said he would pray for me, I couldn't help but asking myself, "why?"

What is prayer going to do? I have no communion with God anymore, and certainly won't accept any subtle hints regarding my future as being evidence of his existence. So why pray for me?

I can feel my life changing in profound ways. I am figuring myself out, and I will soon let other people in on the game. Do I want God rolling any dice? Probably not. Scratch that... absolutely not.

God often leads to Christians, many of whom have caused me enormous amounts of frustration and pain. And many of whom don't think I should ever be allowed to marry. Many of whom fight for righteousness but not justice. Many of whom are entirely unaware of God's nature, and are not interested in any spiritual aspects of God that conflict with Christianity.

So, not God on my board game. Not right now, perhaps never again. The dice are in my hands, and I think I am getting ready to roll.

With a little help from my friends

Every time I read the word "Husband" on the blog Gay Family Values, I think of my future. I think of happiness, and joy, and feeling complete. And I get this incredible urge to tell my parents, and the rest of the world, that I am interested in finding a husband.

In living my life, hand in hand, with another man.

And I am very, very excited about this possibility.

The sense of danger still exists, but I am becoming more and more resistant to it. It is an increasingly weak sensation. Fear is falling to pieces. I am starting to feel comfortable; maybe even proud about my existence (please note that it is very tempting to go open a discussion of pride right now, but I don't want to ruin the moment, so I don't plan on doing this right now).

Is this what hope feels like?

I like it.

For those about to Rock.

So, the past several weeks have been very interesting for me. Somehow, in some twisted method, I have managed to become a member of a gay group of friends, wherein I am the only gay member surrounded by Lesbians. And I am loving it - I get to talk about the attractive men that walk by as we visit, and get to hear about their past relationships.

I get to be taken to the local gay bar. Be hit on.

Not really hit on by anybody that I would hit on, but it was a new experience anyways.

I think I am starting to get over this gay thing, little by little.


But the reality is that I am not out yet. Unfortunately, I have now established two distinct groups of friends: those that know I am gay, and those that don't (my family remains in the latter). Those that know find me entirely comfortable, with a new excitement and passion for life that does not seem to be overtly stifled. Those that don't know of my homosexuality are finding that I am increasingly cold-shouldered (my family remains in the latter).

I really want to fix this.

I had the experience today of starting to organize a soccer team where my Lesbian friends would be mixing with my friends from Group A (the group of the uninformed). This terrifies me - because I don't even know how to interact with the two groups mutually, and because I am been spending such an excessive amount of time with the Lesbians over the past couple weeks that I may or may not know how to interact with homosexuals anymore. It seemed totally weird today to do so. As though I was putting on a show.

And it is nice to think that this "show" is something that I am becoming progressively more unaccustomed to.


Earlier this week, I sent my friend, Anthem, a message telling him that I plan on having kids. For those of you who are still reading this blog despite the several weeks that have now transpired since my last posting, you may have noticed that I am now following another blog, entitled Gay Family Values.

I try to shy away from anything that is explicitly gay - but am finding this community to be more and more empowering as I become slightly more involved with it, and comfortable with it.

And Gay Family Values is one of those reasons. This is a blog from the makers of a Youtube Channel called depfox - a couple of gay men in California who have children. Their channel is inspiring. They make me hope for having a real life, and make me want to actively pursue it.

It is possible that I can tell my parents that I am gay so that I can do this.

To get them out of this latter group, and into the first.

To no longer give them the cold-shoulder, and just love them with my actions as much as I do with me heart.

________________________________________

In other news, watch this video of Wanda Sykes. Hilarious.

Gone with the wind...

The inevitable has happened; I have once again been black-listed at PCC. This time, I don't care; I don't have any interest in developing the relationships that I have at the church anymore. I'm exhausted of being consistently disappointed by the very people that suggest that they love me.

But they only love me on Sunday mornings; and even then, only on the Sunday mornings when I find myself interested in attending church.

So, I am leaving PCC. If I ever find myself in that building again, it will be a mistake.

And note that this isn't a cry out to the church - I don't want to be "loved" by them anymore. I don't want them to pretend that I am a part of their community. I reject them, and all their lies about our relationship.

And I can only admit that this is entirely about me; God cannot be a part of this because it is a breaking of relationship - it is the most basic of sins, and it has been conducted and orchestrated by a church that isn't interested in reconciliation, and by a man that doesn't want to be redeemed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I went to church. I anticipated being frustrated afterwards, but not quite to this degree. I did not anticipate that I would be revoking my membership, by e-mail, today at 1:15 pm.

I walked into church, and none of the pastors and none of the youth to whom I have ministered had any interest in having a conversation with me - even when I have approached them. They avoided me. Particularly the children of the pastors.

Today they commissioned the Elders Board, and pointed out that there was a "portfolio" for specialization in member care. I couldn't help but smirk; how pathetic that relationships are relegated to a person's responsibility rather than another person's responsibility. And how ridiculous that we can expect a Baby Boomer woman to be able to care for the members that are of her children's and grandchildren's generations.

Then they prayed to God thanking him for Unity and for the strong Community at PCC. The only part of the community that is strong is the name of the church, which has PARLIAMENT COMMUNITY CHURCH, written in bold letters on the church sign and in the weekly bulletin.
- the church is currently starting a new ministry, called Beyond the Walls. This group is focused on social justice, and how the church can respond to social justice issues in the local and global community. I conveyed my interest in involvement to members of the committee three times: once to the chairman of the group, and twice to the pastoral leader of the group. Neither of them have attempted to connect with me.
- I have gone to the Associate Pastor of the church several times, explaining how I think there is sufficient interest for a new small group in my age group that is interested less in justifying the church and more in assessing the theology of the Bible on its own terms through a much more academic and studious approach. His response was to contact the leader of my age cohort ministry, and convey that he is concerned about how I may disrupt the College and Careers group because of my willingness to question the authority of scripture. Because searching for truth in scripture is equated with questioning the authority of scripture.

I remember when I left youth ministry, the youth pastor said, "Don't you go running away from me." I should have responded with, "Don't you go running away from me." Because now he can pretend that he had no part in this. He put the ball in my court, and I didn't push back to say that I wanted to play fair with the only member of staff with whom I have had a remotely positive relationship.

And I am sure that the church is now concerned with my retention as a member moreso than ever before - except that nobody is actually concerned. They just don't seem to understand that the crisis is over. I am leaving.

And, with great disappointment, I know that I must return on August 7th 2010 for my friend's wedding. Even now I am thinking of ways that I can get out of being at the ceremony.

And, adding to the frustration is the fact that the sermon today was actually quite good. It actually focused on God. I was thoroughly surprised.