This one's a knee-slapper.

Hey Mom and Dad,

This is going to be an interesting letter, and probably includes a lot of information that shouldn't be shared in letter format. But, despite many urges and attempts in the past to share this with you over personally, I have not yet been able to. So I am trying a new format, and hoping it will lead to some success.
I think all three of us could agree that our relationship has changed considerably over the past year, and largely for the worse. I'm become more cold, biting, and disconnected from both of you. I have caused both of you a lot of frustration, and a lot of pain - and this is entirely unacceptable to me. I'm hoping that this letter can redirect that trajectory that we have been on for far too long.
Mom and Dad. I'm gay.

I know that you already know this, and that I am merely confirming your suspicions, so hopefully this isn't too much of a shock for you.

Please know that, even though I am gay, and even though I am aware of it now more than ever, and even though some of my friends (and you) are aware of it now more than ever, I am still me. One of the most challenging parts of me realizing my own sexuality (and accepting it) has been trying to relate to homosexuals that I can imagine or that I see in the media. This has been largely impossible for me, until quite recently. I've lately come to the conclusion that I am not going to become "gay", but that being Neal Adolph is being "gay." I am beginning to understand that I have not become gay since starting the "coming out" process, but that I have always been gay and I am merely letting people in on the news. This is an enormous part of my life, and an enormous part of my future. I sincerely look forward to a future of being comfortable in my own skin.
I understand that, even if you have suspected this for a long time, this process of learning of your son's homosexuality can be quite difficult. I have no idea what that kind of struggle is like. But I can promise you that my sexuality has not been a simple reality to accept for me either. This would be most difficult for you if you had no idea that my sexuality was less-than-typical. I know that this is going to challenge a lot of your images of what I am to accomplish in life. You may even become fearful. And, though I doubt it, you may react with sincere concern and negativity to this reality. You will react in some way, and I am going to accept your reaction regardless of what it may be.
There are a few things that I would like from you two. First, don't call me right away. Part of the reason that I am doing this in a letter is so that I don't have to face your initial reactions. I want to give the two of you some time to seriously consider this admission of myself. And one evening will not be enough, so, secondly, when I come home tonight, I would really like for it to not be overly emotional. I would ideally like for it to be just as it is every other night when I come home, though I know this isn't likely. I know that this will take time to process, and that it is going to affect our relationship in some way, and I want you two to think about what having a gay son means. I don't want to be barraged with enormously personal questions just yet, because I'm not ready to discuss this with you. Just acknowledge its existence, so that, in the near future, when we sense that it is time, we can have a sincere dialogue about this. Thirdly, I would ask that you not inform anybody else of this. I am slowly releasing control of my sexuality, but I have not done so enough to have knowledge of it widespread. Most people won't be surprised. Most people will respond positively. Some people won't. I want to pretend I have some control over this. In particular, don't tell Keith, as I really would prefer to tell him myself in the near future.
At this point, my fear of your reaction has largely abetted. I trust the two of you immensely, and love you both. My failure to say this to your face reflects the challenge of admitting one's homosexuality to their parents, and nothing more. Please, accept my apology for presenting this information with this format. Writing words is sometimes easier than saying them, and "GAY" is a big, three-letter word that is a little hard to pronounce at times.
I really, really look forward to when my sexuality can be discussed openly with you two (and, much to my dismay, it may be good for you to raise it when I am not entirely ready but you are. I need to start giving up a bit of control over this). I have been waiting 22 years for this.

Have a Happy Halloween.


With love...

_________________________________________

Sometimes you send letters that will change your life.

Snake eyes.

I saw a friend today, and he said he would pray for me.

We were talking about my future after school, and I shared my complete confusion over what to do with my life. I don't know whether to teach for a couple years, or to go to Graduate school, or to move away and figure myself out for a bit. It is a very difficult decision to make economically.

And when he said he would pray for me, I couldn't help but asking myself, "why?"

What is prayer going to do? I have no communion with God anymore, and certainly won't accept any subtle hints regarding my future as being evidence of his existence. So why pray for me?

I can feel my life changing in profound ways. I am figuring myself out, and I will soon let other people in on the game. Do I want God rolling any dice? Probably not. Scratch that... absolutely not.

God often leads to Christians, many of whom have caused me enormous amounts of frustration and pain. And many of whom don't think I should ever be allowed to marry. Many of whom fight for righteousness but not justice. Many of whom are entirely unaware of God's nature, and are not interested in any spiritual aspects of God that conflict with Christianity.

So, not God on my board game. Not right now, perhaps never again. The dice are in my hands, and I think I am getting ready to roll.

With a little help from my friends

Every time I read the word "Husband" on the blog Gay Family Values, I think of my future. I think of happiness, and joy, and feeling complete. And I get this incredible urge to tell my parents, and the rest of the world, that I am interested in finding a husband.

In living my life, hand in hand, with another man.

And I am very, very excited about this possibility.

The sense of danger still exists, but I am becoming more and more resistant to it. It is an increasingly weak sensation. Fear is falling to pieces. I am starting to feel comfortable; maybe even proud about my existence (please note that it is very tempting to go open a discussion of pride right now, but I don't want to ruin the moment, so I don't plan on doing this right now).

Is this what hope feels like?

I like it.

For those about to Rock.

So, the past several weeks have been very interesting for me. Somehow, in some twisted method, I have managed to become a member of a gay group of friends, wherein I am the only gay member surrounded by Lesbians. And I am loving it - I get to talk about the attractive men that walk by as we visit, and get to hear about their past relationships.

I get to be taken to the local gay bar. Be hit on.

Not really hit on by anybody that I would hit on, but it was a new experience anyways.

I think I am starting to get over this gay thing, little by little.


But the reality is that I am not out yet. Unfortunately, I have now established two distinct groups of friends: those that know I am gay, and those that don't (my family remains in the latter). Those that know find me entirely comfortable, with a new excitement and passion for life that does not seem to be overtly stifled. Those that don't know of my homosexuality are finding that I am increasingly cold-shouldered (my family remains in the latter).

I really want to fix this.

I had the experience today of starting to organize a soccer team where my Lesbian friends would be mixing with my friends from Group A (the group of the uninformed). This terrifies me - because I don't even know how to interact with the two groups mutually, and because I am been spending such an excessive amount of time with the Lesbians over the past couple weeks that I may or may not know how to interact with homosexuals anymore. It seemed totally weird today to do so. As though I was putting on a show.

And it is nice to think that this "show" is something that I am becoming progressively more unaccustomed to.


Earlier this week, I sent my friend, Anthem, a message telling him that I plan on having kids. For those of you who are still reading this blog despite the several weeks that have now transpired since my last posting, you may have noticed that I am now following another blog, entitled Gay Family Values.

I try to shy away from anything that is explicitly gay - but am finding this community to be more and more empowering as I become slightly more involved with it, and comfortable with it.

And Gay Family Values is one of those reasons. This is a blog from the makers of a Youtube Channel called depfox - a couple of gay men in California who have children. Their channel is inspiring. They make me hope for having a real life, and make me want to actively pursue it.

It is possible that I can tell my parents that I am gay so that I can do this.

To get them out of this latter group, and into the first.

To no longer give them the cold-shoulder, and just love them with my actions as much as I do with me heart.

________________________________________

In other news, watch this video of Wanda Sykes. Hilarious.