Hurt...

There is nothing like being gay.

Nothing I can imagine.

It forces you to eat your pride, swallow it whole. Allow it to progress through the endocrine system, leave the bladder and spilled to the ground. Rolled around in - smelled.

This is what being gay does to your pride.

Because you are constantly reminded that there is something wrong with you. Something not quite right with you - not quite normal. Something you can't ignore, avoid, live without. And yet is something you embrace.

Until you can no longer embrace it.

I wish I could tell that man who decided that Tim Hortons was a great place to very publicly discuss some men that he saw at Superstore that I am not a "faggot" - but that I am gay.

And I wish I could tell him that I completely embrace it.

But one of these would be a lie.

"... I focused on the pain.
The only thing that's real."

Yesterday, once the sun went below the horizon and all the warmth left the world, the snow began to stay. There couldn't have been much warmth to begin with - it had been snowing all day. But it was melting on the ground until the sun gave into the pressures of a rotating earth.

I don't know the full story of last night's weather system, but I can see the results when I look out of the window of this rented cottage in Maple Creek, SK. The ground is covered in about 2 cms of white stuff that is reminiscent of white stuff that was abdicated its earthen throne only 7 months ago. Like the prodigal son, it has returned to reclaim its rightful place as king of consciousness - making us ever-weary travellers, forcing us to alter our fashions before we are actually prepared, and allowing us to wonder whether or not sand has been put on the roads just yet to add some friction. Every morning.

Until the throne is abdicated again.

The snow has fallen. It has stayed. And winter is here.

And me, without a boyfriend to snuggle up to for warmth...

I've fallen in love with a man named Richard Kim, editor of the American magazine The Nation.

"When faced with something so painful as gay teen suicide, it's easy to scapegoat child bullies. It's hard to create a world that wants queer youth to live and thrive."

I'm going to keep him around.

(Reason that science is bad is forthcoming.)

Disappointing Sex

A sample of a texting conversation that I had today with a friend.

Me: My conclusion in life: wow! Some people are definitely worth looking at.

Leah (friend): Lol! What do you meaaaaan?

Me: Just thought that I would let you know that the most beautiful person in the world was just in my general vicinity.

Leah: Lol! Thats weird, I just called Heather (her fiance) and she didn't say you were in her general vicinity! :P Who was he?

Me: I have no idea. But that did not prevent me from admiring how he fit into his pants all the ways from produce to the check out.

Leah: Ahahahah you are just wonderful!

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And an unfortunate realization. The world is not interested in acting in love to everybody, and as a result, the world is not interested in transforming itself into a better place.

In an unfortunate twist, many "straight allies" have taken the tragic losses of life in the past weeks as a means of becoming ardent war-hawks, intent on ensuring that people can no longer have honest discussions about homosexuality.

I witnessed this on facebook recently, where somebody I went to church with commented on a mutual friend's status update about bullying gay teens. The person I went to church with commented that he loves gay people, but does not approve of their lifestyle.

This is something that we've all heard before. Many times, for those of us who straddle the social groups of church and gay.

And many people instantly attacked him. Many straight people, whose experience as a victim of gay bullying is arguably more vicarious than real, attacked him vehemently. And my heart broke instantly.

You see, this person that attends my church is actually a young teenager, trying to view the world as he has been raised, but just intelligent enough to be willing to step into an open debate about the topic. He is asked questions of his position, and he provides honest answers. And he gets asked more questions. And they become more and more pointed. And more numerous.

And more inappropriate.

Its a form of bullying. Intellectual in format, and it forces people to become more and more isolated and less and less willing to communicate.

You see, these suicides have arroused a massive alarm. Finally.

And yet, it has also caused an incredible amount of anger that, rather than looking to console and change the world, wants to point fingers and blame individuals. This instead of welcoming them, discussing, and allowing both to be changed as a result. And somehow I have noticed that to be the attitude shared by our "straight allies".

For some reason, those people who went through the scalding and terrorizing reality of gay bullying for their entire life (and who continue to go through it) appear to be more interested in having a heart to heart; a life-changing discussion. Changing perspectives demands, absolutely demands, love.


To my friend from church: thank you for your honesty, and your willingness to be vulnerable. Thank for sharing your verses, for saying that you do not wish to condemn and do not condemn anybody, and do not claim to know God's heart completely; thank for saying you love gay people despite their actions.

To those random people who claim to be allies: I appreciate your support for the cause of putting an end to gay bullying, but if you can't love everybody then I am not entirely certain that I want your love. Everything we do must be done in grace, must be done in the interest of change, and must put us in an equally vulnerable position. Otherwise we reinforce perspectives of being cold, arrogant, and lacking in love. None of these things are good.

To my gay allies: May we never forget that we have an opportunity to transform the world whenever people are prepared to honestly discuss with us. It is our responsbility to love, accept, and offer ourselves as a response.

(and next time, why science is bad...)

I wish I couldn't believe in God.

But Leonard Cohen's torture makes me remember that, even through my torturous attempts, I can only fail.

Kahlil Gibran

"Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains."

I try very difficult not to be angryfrustratedconfuseddisappointedbetrayed by church.

And I would love, absolutely love, to feel as though I could walk into a church and feel completely at peace with the existence of God - not bombarded by feelings that the people there think that there is something wrong with me.

Because there is nothing wrong with me.

But I don't see the church fighting for justice when it needs to be fought for.

As most people are aware, September and October have been very trying months for the gay community as there has been a noteworthy number of lives lost to bullying. And this is tragic beyond all belief.

I wish the church would stand up for this loss - own up to its role in this loss (even as a non-oppressive force, the status quo in church communities is that there is something wrong with us - and make it clear that Christ did not live so that we could feel rejected by those who calls themselves his.

I try very hard not to get angry, and point fingers, and take rainbow-filled spray cans and paint hate-filled words for everybody to read on the exterior of their homes of worship.

Because I believe that It Gets Better.

All the time, It Gets Better.

And this can only, possibly, include the church. (Because the church owns too much culture to be excluded from it.)