Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Snake eyes.

I saw a friend today, and he said he would pray for me.

We were talking about my future after school, and I shared my complete confusion over what to do with my life. I don't know whether to teach for a couple years, or to go to Graduate school, or to move away and figure myself out for a bit. It is a very difficult decision to make economically.

And when he said he would pray for me, I couldn't help but asking myself, "why?"

What is prayer going to do? I have no communion with God anymore, and certainly won't accept any subtle hints regarding my future as being evidence of his existence. So why pray for me?

I can feel my life changing in profound ways. I am figuring myself out, and I will soon let other people in on the game. Do I want God rolling any dice? Probably not. Scratch that... absolutely not.

God often leads to Christians, many of whom have caused me enormous amounts of frustration and pain. And many of whom don't think I should ever be allowed to marry. Many of whom fight for righteousness but not justice. Many of whom are entirely unaware of God's nature, and are not interested in any spiritual aspects of God that conflict with Christianity.

So, not God on my board game. Not right now, perhaps never again. The dice are in my hands, and I think I am getting ready to roll.