"I would like to buy $3 worth of God - not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a cup or warm milk or a snooze in the sunshine. I don't want enough of God to make me love a black man or pick beets with a migrant. I want ecstasy, not transformation. I want the warmth of the womb, not a new birth. I want about a pound of the eternal in a paper sack. I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please." (Wilbur Reece)
My discussion last night with Joel made me realize how little faith I have in the world that I live in, and how little faith I have in the inspiration of God to change the world; to make it an environment of love.
Joel suggested that there are people in my church are much more capable of love than I want to give them credit for. I have my doubts. But Joel said that there are people in my church that are aware of the radical love of God's kingdom, and try their hardest to live it out. People that know that God's love is far too radical to allow for hate - not just because they are a dueling opposites, but because God is not hate.
I want to be able to afford that radical love to the people of my church. To the pastors of my church. I want to have faith in God for change. And I should be so inspired by the change that has taken place for the gay community at large.
But then shootings take place in Israel at a gay community center for teenagers.
And I hide in my closet. The revolutionary in me dies down. I am quiet. I stumble in the dream of being straight.
Damn my fear. Shit on my cynicism. I wish to dispose of them and become a good person again. The person I want to be.
Joel is a good friend.