Saturday, September 5, 2009

The last engagement

I hope none of my friends ever get engaged again, and ask me to be a part of the wedding, no matter how small the level of involvement.

My best friend is engaged to a wonderful man. I have mentioned her many times in the past. It was her phone call that caused me enough frustration to post openly about my homosexuality on the internet. On this very blog.

Tonight was her engagement party. I spent the entire night watching her and her fiancee enjoy each others company more than anybody else's, and was entirely charmed by the thought of romance. I listened to them talk about each other as though they knew each other intimately enough to order each other's steak variations. As though they could select a playlist for the other for a long trip home.

This past week, my friend has been in town and I have gone out with her a couple times, each moment with the anticipation that I would let her in on the secret.

But I am beginning to get to the point where I feel like my parents should learn before anybody else gets confirmation. So I have successfully put it off by thinking of ways to tell my mom and dad. I have a plan - and will likely put off using it. It involves taking my mom for a walk - and activity she enjoys. She'll know something is up when I suggest we spend time together.

She can tell my dad that grandchildren are going to have to come from my brother.

My friend Brittany would be one of the next though. And I am very concerned. I have spent many hours with her talking about homosexuals and their ability to be moral, and participate in a single relationship for the remainder of their life, and be good people. I am, obviously, on the more positive side.

She, in the past, has not been.

Tonight, somehow the idea of my wedding was brought up into conversation with friends and her family. Awkward. Not only because they managed to bring up many, many embarassing stories, but because I am not sure if Brittany would want to attend it.

Next summer she is getting married. Some time in the next year I have to tell her that I am gay. And then she will associate many judgments with me - or start being challenged in her perception of gay people. Unfortunately, I don't know if it will end well for me. And I am supposed to be the M.C. at her wedding. Which may be revoked, though I doubt it.

The question is, how do I tell her?

Do I ask her, "How would you feel if I brought a boyfriend to your wedding?"

I wonder what it is like to be straight...
I wonder what it is like to have hope...