I’ve got to stop allowing myself to do this.
I can’t keep on crawling into my cold bed at night, opening up my computer, clicking Quicktime and watching Glee. My psyche can’t handle it.
The Glee magic has affected me – infected me.
It hits me every night, and makes me feel so much more normal. Proud. Ready to conquer the world from the pedestal of my double mattress. Declaring myself for the gobbling hordes of 135 Val Marian residents and getting through by my own constitution and the bumping vitality of show tunes. Damn you Val Marie (I will preach from above the Whitemud Grocery Store) - Damn you and all that I have allowed you to do to me. I am gay.
And then I stay awake. For hours. Thinking of all the obstacles that are between me and there.
I feel like darkness. For hours.
And then I wake up, step out of the kingdom of my room into a hallway teeming with activity that comes with communal living. I realize I am even more alone out here than I am in my cave and away from my pedestal. I try to turn on a light for work - show some energy (and I'm well trained at faking this energy) - but day by day I lose more spirit.
I feel like darkness. For hours.
Remembering that Glee tells me to be myself.
And remembering that I will never get to be anything but straight in Val Marie.
