I think of what I would do without school to distract me.
Would I rejoice in who I am created as? Or would I find myself more frustrated and aware of the turmoil that exists between me and the environment that I exist in? Would fear become even more consuming, or would some hope manifest itself and raise me like air rising in boiling water? Am I even capable of that?
I have an unfortunate confession to make. I'm reading Twilight. I will admit that I am not really enjoying it - I find the writing poor, and the characters a little too obvious at this point. Edward points out that Bella always catches him by surprise; Bella reminds me of every reason that I am thankful I was never a seventeen year-old girl. She is predictable. Consumed by love.
But Edward did provide an interesting, and familiar, commentary. I'd like to type it out, but I can't manage to find the passage. Admittedly, I'm rather embarassed that I've even read it. This book really is trash...
Regardless, his commentary is similar to this.
I've seen a lot of movies. I've read a lot books, been to a lot of plays. Listened to plenty of music. All of these forms of expression talk about relationship. Deep, personal, and intimate relationship. Something that is inadequately described at all times but almost universally understood as holy. These movies, books, plays and all of this music allow me to think that I understand love. Because I do - just as well as anybody else, perhaps.
But then tonight, I saw my best friend hanging out with her fiance. I saw love and passion in their eyes. The way that they communicated with mere slight alterations in their eyes. The curvature of their mouth. Their understanding of each other with languages so-much-more important and so-much-less obvious that words; it astonished me. And I realized that I have absolutely no idea what it is to love somebody.
Love. I can act as a dictionary as well as most, I think. But, I have no capacity to provide experience.
I try and direct my life towards things that will matter to people around me when I am gone. I'm only 23, but I try to make this my focus. Somehow I always sense that death is one step forward, though in which sense I do not know. So I spend time reading books, writing music. Grieving. Things that I think make you eternal. Relationship is foremost among these ideas.
I sang at a wedding on New Years Eve where this idea was shared.
"Love is something that you can leave behind you when you die. It's that powerful..." - Fire Lame Deer, Rosebud Lakota.
I want to have experience in love.
I wonder if I will ever be so blessed.