Monday, July 5, 2010

Damn you Val Marie

I’ve got to stop allowing myself to do this.

I can’t keep on crawling into my cold bed at night, opening up my computer, clicking Quicktime and watching Glee. My psyche can’t handle it.

The Glee magic has affected me – infected me.

It hits me every night, and makes me feel so much more normal. Proud. Ready to conquer the world from the pedestal of my double mattress. Declaring myself for the gobbling hordes of 135 Val Marian residents and getting through by my own constitution and the bumping vitality of show tunes. Damn you Val Marie (I will preach from above the Whitemud Grocery Store) - Damn you and all that I have allowed you to do to me. I am gay.

And then I stay awake. For hours. Thinking of all the obstacles that are between me and there.

I feel like darkness. For hours.

And then I wake up, step out of the kingdom of my room into a hallway teeming with activity that comes with communal living. I realize I am even more alone out here than I am in my cave and away from my pedestal. I try to turn on a light for work - show some energy (and I'm well trained at faking this energy) - but day by day I lose more spirit.

I feel like darkness. For hours.

Remembering that Glee tells me to be myself.

And remembering that I will never get to be anything but straight in Val Marie.


  1. Nothing wrong with regular doses of "Glee" to survive a lonely summer in Val Marie. Heck, I've got Kurt's "Defying Gravity" going through my head right now.

    There is much to be said about the charm of small towns and the rural surroundings...when there is a connection. One can feel loneliness and isolation in the city as well, but at least there is the hope that a soulmate, or a good friend, is waiting to be met.

    Hang in there. Cross off the days on a calendar, read whatever you can and, yes, enjoy "Glee".

  2. Neal, I'm completely on board with what Rural Gay wrote. I assume there is an end in sight in terms of how long you'll be at Val Marie. So, like I said before, take as much from the experience as you can. There's a reason why you're there--I mean, other than to earn money. And, in addition to your job, your work is to figure out what that is.

    I understand how frustrating it is to pretend that you're something you're not. I've done it a lot longer than you have, depending on the situation. When you get older and in a lasting relationship, it will become less and less important to you whether or not someone finds out you're gay. In fact, you won't give a fig.

    The way I look at it, you have two choices: live your life as a proud gay man now, no matter where you are, no matter the consequences, and be true to yourself at all costs; or, if that's not possible, accept what you can't change and make the most of it. It's not forever, right? And, in the meantime, tune into "Glee" and bliss out, just like I do.

    Thanks for sharing this post. I'm becoming increasingly fascinated with your perspective and what you have to say.