Fearless?

Did I do this?

Well, there has been far too much happening in my life over the past two weeks to properly share in a single post, but let me try and give you a hint of it. I will surely expand on a couple of these things in the coming weeks, so if you're interested in anything that doesn't get adequately covered this time around, expect it in the near future.

First of all, I've got 6/7ths vegetarian; Sunday night meals are my only non-Vegetarian nights. I'm enjoying it thus far. I can offer an explanation in the near future regarding my dietary choice; but I think it has a great deal more to do with the world I live in that with myself.

Second, I've spent a great deal of time this past week looking at my humanity. Or, my subhumanity. It has been interesting. I don't know if I have learned anything new over the past week, but I can feel as though God is popping up in my life again. As I've said in the past, I don't know if I like this.

Third, New York Marriage Equality was voted down in the senate earlier this week. I don't think anger adequately describes my emotions. I'm so exhausted of rights being denied. On the plus side, some very articulate and powerful people spoke in favour of Gay Rights, hopefully offering some credit to the Gay Rights Movement. But I can sense the "movement" is losing momentum; it is falling to shambles because of disappointment. It is waiting for the opportunity to say that progress isn't taking place, but that we have arrived.

That "we" including heterosexuals.

Unfortunately, the topic of this blog post is none of the above. And there are at least two great opportunities to speak about something other than myself - a goal of mine for quite a while, but never actually accomplished.

Today is about me. Again.

This past week I was asked out on a date. By a man. By an attractive, friendly man, who is in my age cohort (actually perhaps a little young... but that is ok). You see, I've gotten used to being gay around my gay friends to the point that I am confident - confident enough to be desirous to some of these new friends of mine.

I don't wish to be desirous. Yet.

I told him that I needed to think about it. The honest response was that I didn't need any time - I know the answer is, and can only be, no. Despite my immense desire to be in a relationship right now, I can only offer the responsible answer of no.

I told him that he and I are at different stages with this whole thing. I may appear more confident in it, but I am not. I'm broken, confused, and lost in a foreign world - I can barely see my life two weeks from now at this point, let alone involving myself more heavily in somebody else's.

I have not told a LOT of people that I am gay. A lot of these people don't need to know that I am gay. But many do. Like my closest friends in Regina, and Saskatoon. Like my brother. My grandmother. My aunt. My parents and I still have to have a conversation where we mutually acknowledge it. My church has to discover it - and while I don't expect them to be ok with it, they need to know in advance.

I don't want to go out on dates with a boyfriend and be concerned about people discovering me; I don't want to be outed in a vulnerable environment where I have little control and even less confidence. I don't want to be concerned about who is going to "happen upon us" while we are out for coffee. I want to confident and comfortable on my own; and I don't want anybody thinking that they can help me do this.

I told one of my friends that this was a crisis. She laughed at me. I don't think she quite understands...

Time is the bastard here. If I had been asked this same question in six months, I would've answered differently. I would've avoided breaking somebody's heart.

Kicked with a boot meant for a big foot.

I get these moments, every now and then, that are kind of like kicks in the ass. Really swift, painful kicks, probably from an oversized boot; and, despite my sexual affinity for asses, they are actually not particularly enjoyable.

Today, I got two.

The first was in reading an article written by Shane Claiborne. This is a man that I feel I was born to hate - he is a radical lover of Christ in a way that I cannot even begin to imagine. He is a humble man, devoted to the service of the most hated and impoverished people that could be found in America, and he is an evangelical. And, he is doing everything that I find absolutely endearing in Christianity, and doing it loudly so that God is glorified and so that people can be liberated from suffering.

This only hours after mocking the very ideals of Christian worship in preparation for one of my music ensemble's participation in an Advent Service next weekend.

I am a bastard. And I have a tendency to get my foot stuck in my mouth. Usually an oversized foot. And, even in considering my sexual affinity for mouths, this is also usually painful.

The second moment came tonight. I often find myself attracted towards gay videos on Youtube - there is an enormous collection of videos composed by people telling their coming-out stories. These videos have been, at time, my only friend. And they really helped me normalize my homosexuality with my identity.

Tonight I watched a speech given by a high school student to his classmates. This student was gay, he was attending a Christian (perhaps Catholic?) school, and he was speaking, in Chapel, about his homosexuality.

And I claim to have a serious identity crisis in trying to reconcile God and Homosexuality! Here is a man speaking from a pulpit about being gay. Being gay in high school. And looking for a boyfriend, as a gay young adult, in high school, in front of all of his peers. During a Chapel service. Supported by staff and students. And being... proud? In high school?

This just seems entirely unimaginable to me.



But it happened.

This student was a good speaker - and presented a competent, well produced speech. He referenced friends, experiences, and moments in his life where he realized his own depravity and his own potential for great things. He talked about family, as though it was his goal in life to have a family. It seemed familiar, somehow.

And he did this all at the religious school. (seriously, this wasn't staged - this actually happened!)

How do I reconcile God with homosexuality? Is it possible? Do I want to? Can I escape this idea that he even might exist, and am I prepared for what the entails? Is anybody out there that knows about God, that isn't a frightening Christian, and that is interested in battling through this with me? I could name a few... but none of them are gay.

I think I need to connect with this gay community a bit. I just don't know how. And I am kind of... scared.

God doesn't really suck.

I was out for coffee with a good friend of mine a couple weeks ago - he is a local pastor - and he asked me something a long the lines of when I decided to get God out of my life. I think this is largely a response to my "Snake Eyes" post, which you can find below.

I responded saying that it is very difficult to reconcile being Gay and being Christian. The two, as much as I can theorize about their coexistence in a single person, and as much as I see it happening in many gay people, come from different worlds. Being and Gay Christian feels like your playing Baseball with a Soccer Ball - you're still playing the sport, your still playing with a ball, but something seems wrong and the game is messed up entirely.

Over the past couple of months, this has lead me increasingly away from any philosophy that allows for the existence of God. Is this good? I don't know - I see so much in the world that is worthwhile that develops out of Christians. Some of my closest friends are Christians - and wonderfully so. I count this pastor among them. They are examples of this theory that I want to believe in - that Christians and Homosexuality are not exclusive realities.

But every homosexual with any history with the church knows that people condemn them to Hell in the name of Christ.

I don't even believe in Hell. I don't think I even believe in atonement, if the Biblical story of Christ is true. But it is impossible to forget being condemned to Hell - because it is a philosophy and an idea that includes so much hatred and disgust.

Nobody wants to go to Hell. Not even an atheist.

My last couple posts have focused on the gay marriage struggle that took place in the state of Maine at the beginning of the month. I have shared my heartbreak with you on this already. Let me share somebody else's with you.



The reality is this: Christianity is the leading cause of hatred against homosexuals in North America and Europe. The Islamic faith is the leading cause of hatred against homosexuals in the Middle East and Africa. The Jewish State of Israel only allows homosexual marriage because their constitution and legal precedent binds them to Canadian laws - there is enormous opposition within the state against homosexual marriage. So when I am asked when I turned away from God, my answer can only be that I turned away from God when I first heard about Hell, and when I first recognized the depth of hatred that God's peoples have for homosexuals.

I realize that this isn't a blanket statement, and for those many Jews, Muslims, and Christians who have fought alongside homosexuals to promote legal and social equality I send my gratitude. It is because of your support that my life is changed - I am able to be me, as I was created to be, because you were brave on my behalf.

But please understand how damaging it is to have churches protesting against us rather than for us when they pretend to represent a God that loves us all, equally. It is so difficult to believe in God when his people don't believe you have the capacity to love, or be moral - and when they go out into the streets with signs proclaiming this.

Please understand how hard it is for me to approach God.

I know your angry! I'm angry!

I woke up this morning and with a great deal of immediacy looked for results of the vote on gay marriage in Maine that took place yesterday. What I discovered was far from promising. CNN was reporting that, with 87% of polls reporting, the split was 53% to 47% in opposition of extending the right of marriage to homosexual couples.



I am in shock that the nation of America is not shaking right now. The constitution has been taken to its knees and forced to choke down the bigotry of the majority.



Unfortunately this is a common theme in American history. Women have been denied the right to vote. Black men denied the right to own property. Black people denied the right of religion. All largely by de facto oppression of persons who are "afflicted" with "conditions" over which they have no control.



But really, being a woman isn't a "condition". Neither is being black.



Neither is being gay. And being gay and in love cannot possibly be a "condition".



As Americans became aware of these concerns, the nation and its constitution trembled. The American Civil War was caused, in part, by the inequal rights offered slaves. The Women's rights movement altered the economy, and made every home in the country quiver with concern and tension.



The gay rights movement does not have this effect. It hasn't had that effect in Canada, and has not had this effect in America. We don't start wars. We don't have a face in every home that forces the tension of reality to be recognized by every person in the nation. We hide, and we sulk, and we march down streets - but not all of us. We get beaten, or killed, or told to move out of neighbourhoods or "face the consequences". We get called members of the "b" team. Our ability to have morals is questioned.


Is your sense of hope diminishing? Am I supposed to have some gratitude?

I wish I could pretend that the gay marriage movement in the states doesn't matter to me, as a gay man living in Canada. But I am enormously aware of how important marriage is, having only recently become familiar with the potential for marriage in my own life. Marriage provides an option for a future permanent romantic life that terms such as "civil union" and "domestic partnership" cannot capture. My own late discovery of gay married couples has alarmed me to this possibility in my own life.



And I can't imagine living without this vision of hope anymore.


In Canada this almost happened, and I wish I could share my rage at Stephen Harper's mere mention that it was a possibility in 2006. But it didn't. It has now happened twice in America, in two separate states located on opposite sides of the North American continent. California and Maine both had extended the right of marriage to gay couples only to have that opportunity, and human right, revoked by the populace.



The argument that human rights are extended by the proliferation of democracy is weaker now than ever.

_________________________________________

I'm angry because my personal philosophy and sense of dignity has been challenged once more. My knees have shaken. My foundation turned to dust.

America, your constitution has been spit on - the same constitution for which you have fought many wars, the same constitution that learn about in school. The basic law of your land has been repealed by your own people. Why is your foundation not turning to dust? Where is your anger? Moreover, where is your love?

Mob rule and the right to marry.

Today, in three American states, the question of gay marriage is being taken to the electorate. I doubt that it will find public support in any of the states, but I think there is an immense opportunity for hope. Polls in Maine are particularly close. Tomorrow votes will have been counted and there will be some certainty on if homosexuals in three states can get married in the near future.

In this battle, considerable amounts of hate literature has been produced. They prey on your fears of homosexuals, and of change. Do you fear me? Are you seriously concerned about my ability to love? What about my ability to enjoy the same title as you - husband?

Bryan, from Gay Family Values, wrote this in conclusion to a recent posting about the elections taking place. "If we lose, we will do as we have always done. Pick up our bruised and broken bodies, bury our dead, reaffirm the hope in our hearts and fight on because we know that you won't stop until you have made our lives a criminal offense."

I am so thankful to live in Canada. But not everybody has the same opportunity. Indeed, mob rule is currently preventing marriage from being granted to people who were born just as I was. And just as you were. Only being born 90 miles south of my hometown.

Some of us are fortunate. Some of us are not.

Try living without marriage for a while. Not only that, try living without marriage even if you want it very much. Add on top of that the reality that there is no constitutional basis for the restriction of marriage to heterosexual couples. Add on top of this the sheer enormity of social persecution of homosexuals and heterosexuals who are pushing for marriage equality. Is there room for hope?

I thank God for Americans and their willingness to fight and have hope. I admire you, for your strength and your absolute refusal to give up in your pursuit of equality. Total equality. Don't stop at marriage. Don't stop until the word "faggot" is removed from society, or until you can walk down a street holding your partners hand without any fear of being ridiculed. Or beaten. Don't stop until two men can dance with each other on television.

This is the Canadian fight, and I look forward to having you working on a more equal plain as us. May we find inspiration in your fight, and may we join together to forever alter the way that society understands equality, discrimination, and sexuality.

Americans -you may make a revolutionary out of me yet.

This one's a knee-slapper.

Hey Mom and Dad,

This is going to be an interesting letter, and probably includes a lot of information that shouldn't be shared in letter format. But, despite many urges and attempts in the past to share this with you over personally, I have not yet been able to. So I am trying a new format, and hoping it will lead to some success.
I think all three of us could agree that our relationship has changed considerably over the past year, and largely for the worse. I'm become more cold, biting, and disconnected from both of you. I have caused both of you a lot of frustration, and a lot of pain - and this is entirely unacceptable to me. I'm hoping that this letter can redirect that trajectory that we have been on for far too long.
Mom and Dad. I'm gay.

I know that you already know this, and that I am merely confirming your suspicions, so hopefully this isn't too much of a shock for you.

Please know that, even though I am gay, and even though I am aware of it now more than ever, and even though some of my friends (and you) are aware of it now more than ever, I am still me. One of the most challenging parts of me realizing my own sexuality (and accepting it) has been trying to relate to homosexuals that I can imagine or that I see in the media. This has been largely impossible for me, until quite recently. I've lately come to the conclusion that I am not going to become "gay", but that being Neal Adolph is being "gay." I am beginning to understand that I have not become gay since starting the "coming out" process, but that I have always been gay and I am merely letting people in on the news. This is an enormous part of my life, and an enormous part of my future. I sincerely look forward to a future of being comfortable in my own skin.
I understand that, even if you have suspected this for a long time, this process of learning of your son's homosexuality can be quite difficult. I have no idea what that kind of struggle is like. But I can promise you that my sexuality has not been a simple reality to accept for me either. This would be most difficult for you if you had no idea that my sexuality was less-than-typical. I know that this is going to challenge a lot of your images of what I am to accomplish in life. You may even become fearful. And, though I doubt it, you may react with sincere concern and negativity to this reality. You will react in some way, and I am going to accept your reaction regardless of what it may be.
There are a few things that I would like from you two. First, don't call me right away. Part of the reason that I am doing this in a letter is so that I don't have to face your initial reactions. I want to give the two of you some time to seriously consider this admission of myself. And one evening will not be enough, so, secondly, when I come home tonight, I would really like for it to not be overly emotional. I would ideally like for it to be just as it is every other night when I come home, though I know this isn't likely. I know that this will take time to process, and that it is going to affect our relationship in some way, and I want you two to think about what having a gay son means. I don't want to be barraged with enormously personal questions just yet, because I'm not ready to discuss this with you. Just acknowledge its existence, so that, in the near future, when we sense that it is time, we can have a sincere dialogue about this. Thirdly, I would ask that you not inform anybody else of this. I am slowly releasing control of my sexuality, but I have not done so enough to have knowledge of it widespread. Most people won't be surprised. Most people will respond positively. Some people won't. I want to pretend I have some control over this. In particular, don't tell Keith, as I really would prefer to tell him myself in the near future.
At this point, my fear of your reaction has largely abetted. I trust the two of you immensely, and love you both. My failure to say this to your face reflects the challenge of admitting one's homosexuality to their parents, and nothing more. Please, accept my apology for presenting this information with this format. Writing words is sometimes easier than saying them, and "GAY" is a big, three-letter word that is a little hard to pronounce at times.
I really, really look forward to when my sexuality can be discussed openly with you two (and, much to my dismay, it may be good for you to raise it when I am not entirely ready but you are. I need to start giving up a bit of control over this). I have been waiting 22 years for this.

Have a Happy Halloween.


With love...

_________________________________________

Sometimes you send letters that will change your life.