The inevitable has happened; I have once again been black-listed at PCC. This time, I don't care; I don't have any interest in developing the relationships that I have at the church anymore. I'm exhausted of being consistently disappointed by the very people that suggest that they love me.
But they only love me on Sunday mornings; and even then, only on the Sunday mornings when I find myself interested in attending church.
So, I am leaving PCC. If I ever find myself in that building again, it will be a mistake.
And note that this isn't a cry out to the church - I don't want to be "loved" by them anymore. I don't want them to pretend that I am a part of their community. I reject them, and all their lies about our relationship.
And I can only admit that this is entirely about me; God cannot be a part of this because it is a breaking of relationship - it is the most basic of sins, and it has been conducted and orchestrated by a church that isn't interested in reconciliation, and by a man that doesn't want to be redeemed.
Today I went to church. I anticipated being frustrated afterwards, but not quite to this degree. I did not anticipate that I would be revoking my membership, by e-mail, today at 1:15 pm.
I walked into church, and none of the pastors and none of the youth to whom I have ministered had any interest in having a conversation with me - even when I have approached them. They avoided me. Particularly the children of the pastors.
Today they commissioned the Elders Board, and pointed out that there was a "portfolio" for specialization in member care. I couldn't help but smirk; how pathetic that relationships are relegated to a person's responsibility rather than another person's responsibility. And how ridiculous that we can expect a Baby Boomer woman to be able to care for the members that are of her children's and grandchildren's generations.
Then they prayed to God thanking him for Unity and for the strong Community at PCC. The only part of the community that is strong is the name of the church, which has PARLIAMENT COMMUNITY CHURCH, written in bold letters on the church sign and in the weekly bulletin.
- the church is currently starting a new ministry, called Beyond the Walls. This group is focused on social justice, and how the church can respond to social justice issues in the local and global community. I conveyed my interest in involvement to members of the committee three times: once to the chairman of the group, and twice to the pastoral leader of the group. Neither of them have attempted to connect with me.
- I have gone to the Associate Pastor of the church several times, explaining how I think there is sufficient interest for a new small group in my age group that is interested less in justifying the church and more in assessing the theology of the Bible on its own terms through a much more academic and studious approach. His response was to contact the leader of my age cohort ministry, and convey that he is concerned about how I may disrupt the College and Careers group because of my willingness to question the authority of scripture. Because searching for truth in scripture is equated with questioning the authority of scripture.
I remember when I left youth ministry, the youth pastor said, "Don't you go running away from me." I should have responded with, "Don't you go running away from me." Because now he can pretend that he had no part in this. He put the ball in my court, and I didn't push back to say that I wanted to play fair with the only member of staff with whom I have had a remotely positive relationship.
And I am sure that the church is now concerned with my retention as a member moreso than ever before - except that nobody is actually concerned. They just don't seem to understand that the crisis is over. I am leaving.
And, with great disappointment, I know that I must return on August 7th 2010 for my friend's wedding. Even now I am thinking of ways that I can get out of being at the ceremony.
And, adding to the frustration is the fact that the sermon today was actually quite good. It actually focused on God. I was thoroughly surprised.