Friday, July 30, 2010

Spiders part 1.

Hatred produces a web of fear.

My friend’s wedding is next weekend. This is the friend for whom I am acting as the Master’s of Ceremony.

I was thinking though, that this wedding acts as a landmark of shame for me. My friend, Brittany, is a homophobic princess of a human being that, as a result of my compounding fear and sense of increasing freedom, I am finding more and more difficult to enjoy spending time with. She talks about nothing worthwhile, and she gossips. She directs her life towards the possession of more grandiose things than those around her, and makes us all think that we should care.

She just doesn't seem to understand that I don't care about the colour of her car, or the brand of her shirt, or how much (or little) she paid for it. That stuff matters not.

But I do care about her wedding. This is the wedding that I was going to have a boyfriend for.

That is part one of the web this venomous friend of mine has constructed.


  1. I'm so impressed, Neal, that you're not drawn into the things that so many people, especially young people, think convey status. They don't, and you know that. For someone as young as you to get this is pretty cool and says a lot about you. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

    So why do you care so much about this friend's wedding? If you're slowly finding yourself separating from her as a friend, why should her wedding matter to you? Just curious.

    I'm sure I don't need to tell you, but friends come and go. Paths cross and people become close, but, sometimes, they need to go their separate ways, too. People change, and old friendships are not always the ones we need to move on to the next phase of our lives. Nothing wrong with them ending.

    Sounds like your friendship with this young woman is over, especially since she's homophobic. Why do you need someone like that in your life? The fact that you describe her as venomous tells me it's time to move on.

    Find people around whom you can be yourself, who will support you as the gay young man you are. Then you'll have real friends.

  2. Rick. Thanks for the comment. Its a real pleasure knowing that somebody is reading my blog - especially somebody whose blog challenges me on a regular basis.

    I'm sure you're familiar with the idea that you really don't want to lose friends because of your sexuality and their lack of understanding, and so you make compromises to your own lifestyle just to make things work out. Well, that is what I am used to doing. I love this friend of mine in a truly unique way - we have far too much fun together. And she has many times said that she wants a gay friend.

    I have one friend who was initially quite frustrated by my sexuality, but who eventually, with time, came to realize my absolute desire to be me as I have always been (I don't think I've ever really lied to myself about who I am) but in a way that they didn't quite realize. I've not really changed, though he recognizes more confidence. He tells me quite regularly that having a gay friend changed his life, his worldview - his understanding of our highly sexualized scoiety...

    I'd like to think I can do that with her too...

    But only after her wedding. She is the centre of the universe for the next couple weeks. When she collides with that wall called reality after her honeymoon, I'll give her a call.