With a little help from my friends

Every time I read the word "Husband" on the blog Gay Family Values, I think of my future. I think of happiness, and joy, and feeling complete. And I get this incredible urge to tell my parents, and the rest of the world, that I am interested in finding a husband.

In living my life, hand in hand, with another man.

And I am very, very excited about this possibility.

The sense of danger still exists, but I am becoming more and more resistant to it. It is an increasingly weak sensation. Fear is falling to pieces. I am starting to feel comfortable; maybe even proud about my existence (please note that it is very tempting to go open a discussion of pride right now, but I don't want to ruin the moment, so I don't plan on doing this right now).

Is this what hope feels like?

I like it.

For those about to Rock.

So, the past several weeks have been very interesting for me. Somehow, in some twisted method, I have managed to become a member of a gay group of friends, wherein I am the only gay member surrounded by Lesbians. And I am loving it - I get to talk about the attractive men that walk by as we visit, and get to hear about their past relationships.

I get to be taken to the local gay bar. Be hit on.

Not really hit on by anybody that I would hit on, but it was a new experience anyways.

I think I am starting to get over this gay thing, little by little.


But the reality is that I am not out yet. Unfortunately, I have now established two distinct groups of friends: those that know I am gay, and those that don't (my family remains in the latter). Those that know find me entirely comfortable, with a new excitement and passion for life that does not seem to be overtly stifled. Those that don't know of my homosexuality are finding that I am increasingly cold-shouldered (my family remains in the latter).

I really want to fix this.

I had the experience today of starting to organize a soccer team where my Lesbian friends would be mixing with my friends from Group A (the group of the uninformed). This terrifies me - because I don't even know how to interact with the two groups mutually, and because I am been spending such an excessive amount of time with the Lesbians over the past couple weeks that I may or may not know how to interact with homosexuals anymore. It seemed totally weird today to do so. As though I was putting on a show.

And it is nice to think that this "show" is something that I am becoming progressively more unaccustomed to.


Earlier this week, I sent my friend, Anthem, a message telling him that I plan on having kids. For those of you who are still reading this blog despite the several weeks that have now transpired since my last posting, you may have noticed that I am now following another blog, entitled Gay Family Values.

I try to shy away from anything that is explicitly gay - but am finding this community to be more and more empowering as I become slightly more involved with it, and comfortable with it.

And Gay Family Values is one of those reasons. This is a blog from the makers of a Youtube Channel called depfox - a couple of gay men in California who have children. Their channel is inspiring. They make me hope for having a real life, and make me want to actively pursue it.

It is possible that I can tell my parents that I am gay so that I can do this.

To get them out of this latter group, and into the first.

To no longer give them the cold-shoulder, and just love them with my actions as much as I do with me heart.

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In other news, watch this video of Wanda Sykes. Hilarious.

Gone with the wind...

The inevitable has happened; I have once again been black-listed at PCC. This time, I don't care; I don't have any interest in developing the relationships that I have at the church anymore. I'm exhausted of being consistently disappointed by the very people that suggest that they love me.

But they only love me on Sunday mornings; and even then, only on the Sunday mornings when I find myself interested in attending church.

So, I am leaving PCC. If I ever find myself in that building again, it will be a mistake.

And note that this isn't a cry out to the church - I don't want to be "loved" by them anymore. I don't want them to pretend that I am a part of their community. I reject them, and all their lies about our relationship.

And I can only admit that this is entirely about me; God cannot be a part of this because it is a breaking of relationship - it is the most basic of sins, and it has been conducted and orchestrated by a church that isn't interested in reconciliation, and by a man that doesn't want to be redeemed.

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Today I went to church. I anticipated being frustrated afterwards, but not quite to this degree. I did not anticipate that I would be revoking my membership, by e-mail, today at 1:15 pm.

I walked into church, and none of the pastors and none of the youth to whom I have ministered had any interest in having a conversation with me - even when I have approached them. They avoided me. Particularly the children of the pastors.

Today they commissioned the Elders Board, and pointed out that there was a "portfolio" for specialization in member care. I couldn't help but smirk; how pathetic that relationships are relegated to a person's responsibility rather than another person's responsibility. And how ridiculous that we can expect a Baby Boomer woman to be able to care for the members that are of her children's and grandchildren's generations.

Then they prayed to God thanking him for Unity and for the strong Community at PCC. The only part of the community that is strong is the name of the church, which has PARLIAMENT COMMUNITY CHURCH, written in bold letters on the church sign and in the weekly bulletin.
- the church is currently starting a new ministry, called Beyond the Walls. This group is focused on social justice, and how the church can respond to social justice issues in the local and global community. I conveyed my interest in involvement to members of the committee three times: once to the chairman of the group, and twice to the pastoral leader of the group. Neither of them have attempted to connect with me.
- I have gone to the Associate Pastor of the church several times, explaining how I think there is sufficient interest for a new small group in my age group that is interested less in justifying the church and more in assessing the theology of the Bible on its own terms through a much more academic and studious approach. His response was to contact the leader of my age cohort ministry, and convey that he is concerned about how I may disrupt the College and Careers group because of my willingness to question the authority of scripture. Because searching for truth in scripture is equated with questioning the authority of scripture.

I remember when I left youth ministry, the youth pastor said, "Don't you go running away from me." I should have responded with, "Don't you go running away from me." Because now he can pretend that he had no part in this. He put the ball in my court, and I didn't push back to say that I wanted to play fair with the only member of staff with whom I have had a remotely positive relationship.

And I am sure that the church is now concerned with my retention as a member moreso than ever before - except that nobody is actually concerned. They just don't seem to understand that the crisis is over. I am leaving.

And, with great disappointment, I know that I must return on August 7th 2010 for my friend's wedding. Even now I am thinking of ways that I can get out of being at the ceremony.

And, adding to the frustration is the fact that the sermon today was actually quite good. It actually focused on God. I was thoroughly surprised.

"don't try and get inside of my head, you'll find a nightmare waiting for your arrival."


I have found myself desiring a boyfriend more and more recently. Somebody to be entirely comfortable with.

But I think that somebody trying to get to know me has to deal with a lot of psychological baggage. It will be like going through Hell; finding the hut of my tortured existence, and extracting me. Bringing me to a fulfilling life.

Just as Robin Williams did in What Dreams May Come for his wife.



Is anybody going to do this, though... For me? With me?

I am not a good person.

They don't really care about us.

Have you ever been illegal, for merely being born?

Unfortunately this is a question that far too many people can answer positively, admitting that, at some point and in some cultural landscape, they have been illegal.

Jews are familiar with this - the Shoah is perhaps the greatest reminder to a broken and redemptive nation. African-Americans are reminded everyday that, at some point in relatively recent history, they were illegal. Muslims, Catholics, Protestants, and peoples from thousands of other faiths have been purged, burned, and forced from their homes merely for being born into their cultural landscape.

Homosexuals are still aware of this in many, many parts of the world. Unfortunately, the reality is that we are not alone.

But I am self-centered, so for a moment, lets pretend that Homosexuals are the only people who still experience hate.

During the second World War, many different groups were targeted by the Nazis and placed in various camps for work, or for extermination. The physically and mentally handicapped, Muslims, Jews, Africans, the Sinti, the Roma, communists, Catholics, political opposition, and Homosexuals were some of the more directly targeted groups, though this list is far from exhaustive.

By the hundreds of thousands these people were boarded onto cattle cars and carried to unfamiliar lands where they would perish; lose their souls, lose their hope. Become a number and not a name. A tool to build for their oppressors rather than a family member.

Each of these different groups of tools were given different symbols when they entered the camps so that they could be easily identified by the guards according to their crimes against the imperial state of Nazi Germany. The Jews were given the familiar star of David. Political prisoners wore upside-down red triangles. Homosexuals wore upside-down pink triangles.

There are many surviving stories about how, when used uniforms were given to new arrivals at various camps, people would avoid have the pink triangles. It was better to be mistaken for a Jew in one of the camps than to be a homosexual - treatment was no notably better, but the society that developed in the camps was not particularly endeared to homosexuals.

Unfortunately, this perception of homosexuals being the worst identifying factor transfered over the Allies; for this homosexuality may be unique, though I would accept some arguments that being a Jew was equally bad during the war in the Allied countries as it was to be a homosexual.

Here, is the story of one British War Hero - Alan Turing, and the discrimination he experienced in the years following the war because he was born Gay.

I don't think they used chemicals on Jews in Germany to turn them into Christians. I could be wrong though...


Thank God that I was born today rather than 50 years ago - that my fortune is to be a Canadian citizen rather than an American in 2009. Thank God that so much has happened in the last 50 years towards the freedoms of homosexuals in Canada; that I can get married, that I can adopt children, that I can enjoy job security.

That I can be relatively certain that I won't ever be given chemicals that will turn me into another gender or reverse my hormones.

Also, thankfully, governments are starting to realize their mistreatment of homosexuals in the past.

Thankfully progress happens over 50 years.

I want to be born again!

The flying spaghetti monster succeeded in finding a meat-ball mate. And, as a celebration, he told a Bolivian priest to hijack a plane. In other religions, we call these people terrorists. In this one, we point out that he is a former drug addict.

It would also receive a lot more media coverage.

What a fascinating dichotomy.

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Every now and then I hear about a friend, or a friend of a friend, who has somehow come to the faith. It happened to me twice this past summer. And neither time did I rejoice; honestly, I experienced a serious degree of regret. For a couple reasons:

Firstly, because I am not certain people represent Christianity very well. Mostly because I don't, but also because I know that the Christianity that these people are attracted to is actually based on a sense of security through Biblical story of the Resurrection of Christ.

Secondly, they quickly adopt the ideas and beliefs of Christianity rather than considering what they truly mean. This is perhaps because the wrong people have brought them to the faith; people who claim faith in Christ and what he has "accomplished" through his death, and are generally conservatives with strong beliefs. That are undeniably oppressive. (On a side note, I know several people who would argue that these views wouldn't reflect Christ today. I have issues with this idea, but I probably agree with them).

Thirdly, the version that they get of Christianity is feel good completeness. It isn't the dismay and despair that Christianity can cause in a person's soul. And, almost certainly, it isn't a life of self-administered hardship, where one refuses to live according to the same values of our culture - where the moral concern is global, and real, and pressing. The Christian lifestyle is entirely uninvolved in oppression. In all of its manifestations. And this is challenging, and frustrating, and necessary.

The two people I know who came to the faith this summer had very different "evangelized" experiences. One was told many times about my third concern by a close friend of mine, and still found something appealing, and is trying to adopt the faith and the worldview. When I heard that this was the story of her evangelizing, I felt more comfortable with her adoption of the spirituality.

The second person missed out on all of the lifestyle stuff, and managed to adopt the views of Christianity that I find most volatile. One of his close friends is a lesbian woman - a friend of mine.

He says that this summer he finally began to understand why homosexuality is bad. My guess is that he was told by somebody, who claims to have more experience, and pretends to have everything sorted out in their head.

They aren't close friends anymore. My lesbian friend is broken up over it, the other friend does not quite understand what he has done that has so negatively affected the relationship other than share his recently adopted beliefs.

I have a friend that is going to a Bible School in New Zealand, and he recently sent me a letter that states that he now understands that his friends in Regina desperately need Jesus. My question is, do they?

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I read in a friend's facebook today that he feels religion is for those people who are trying to avoid hell, and that spirituality is for those people who have been to Hell and are fighting their way back.

The last engagement

I hope none of my friends ever get engaged again, and ask me to be a part of the wedding, no matter how small the level of involvement.

My best friend is engaged to a wonderful man. I have mentioned her many times in the past. It was her phone call that caused me enough frustration to post openly about my homosexuality on the internet. On this very blog.

Tonight was her engagement party. I spent the entire night watching her and her fiancee enjoy each others company more than anybody else's, and was entirely charmed by the thought of romance. I listened to them talk about each other as though they knew each other intimately enough to order each other's steak variations. As though they could select a playlist for the other for a long trip home.

This past week, my friend has been in town and I have gone out with her a couple times, each moment with the anticipation that I would let her in on the secret.

But I am beginning to get to the point where I feel like my parents should learn before anybody else gets confirmation. So I have successfully put it off by thinking of ways to tell my mom and dad. I have a plan - and will likely put off using it. It involves taking my mom for a walk - and activity she enjoys. She'll know something is up when I suggest we spend time together.

She can tell my dad that grandchildren are going to have to come from my brother.

My friend Brittany would be one of the next though. And I am very concerned. I have spent many hours with her talking about homosexuals and their ability to be moral, and participate in a single relationship for the remainder of their life, and be good people. I am, obviously, on the more positive side.

She, in the past, has not been.

Tonight, somehow the idea of my wedding was brought up into conversation with friends and her family. Awkward. Not only because they managed to bring up many, many embarassing stories, but because I am not sure if Brittany would want to attend it.

Next summer she is getting married. Some time in the next year I have to tell her that I am gay. And then she will associate many judgments with me - or start being challenged in her perception of gay people. Unfortunately, I don't know if it will end well for me. And I am supposed to be the M.C. at her wedding. Which may be revoked, though I doubt it.

The question is, how do I tell her?

Do I ask her, "How would you feel if I brought a boyfriend to your wedding?"


I wonder what it is like to be straight...
I wonder what it is like to have hope...