Thursday, September 2, 2010

Story of my life...

In the imaginary world of dualities conveniently constructed in a westernized culture rooted in a religious understanding of our environment which views the world as either good or evil (and nothing else), I am choosing to psycho analyze myself.

There are two parts of my mind.

One being the carnal, ravenous, incredibly sexual being. The other being the innocent, cautious, and frighteningly romantic creature.

Generally speaking, I imagine that the former is in control.

But there are four people in the world around whom I have to consciously put effort into not wrapping my arms around (likely the lower waist), kissing, pushing against a wall or couch, discovering, and imagining ways that we could continue to grow comfortable with each other.

One of them is a person in Val Marie, who is researching an endangered butterfly we have in Grasslands National Park called the Mormon Metalmark (don't get me started on the controversy of calling it an endangered species, I am more likely to side with the skeptics than otherwise).

His name is Aaron.

He is 30. Has incredibly sharp canine teeth.

Beautiful eyes.

He is here for three more weeks.

And I cannot possibly allow myself to get physically close to him when we are anywhere near alone, because I am certain that if that is so I may just lose control and flirt a bit too much. I am concerned that he may flirt back without realizing he was flirting back (a throwback to his younger days of boyhood fun, more than anything else I assume), and I would catch myself falling in love with him even more.

Time to work on making myself distant from those people that I want to spend time getting to know.



  1. Neal, the physical passion you feel towards these men, including Aaron, is entirely natural, especially for someone of your age. I recall having similar feelings for attractive men I encountered. Fortunately, our brains know that, until it's appropriate, we will conduct ourselves in a socially acceptable way when we're around them. That's the difference between us and other species.
    But I have to ask the question: What's wrong with being interested in Aaron? Is he straight? I'm not clear by what you've written what team he plays for? Would he be open to getting to know you better? Sure, you're both together for a short period, but how do you know he's not the one? Just curious.

  2. Rick, if you continue pushing me to take these risks, one day I actually will and that could be bad.

    My big concern is being outed in Val Marie. Even if he is gay (which I doubt, but is possible I suppose), and even if he and I develop some quasi-short-term relationship and I discover that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, the relationship will still have to exist in the confines of this small-town Saskatchewan context.

    And I can't imagine how that would play out.

    Even though I want to...

  3. Sometimes, Neal, you must follow your heart. I've never been to Val Marie, but my guess is the folks there have known a gay man or two over the years.
    Sometimes, you'd be surprised the reactions you get--people in the big city can stun you with their bigotry and intolerance, while people in small towns can be warm and accepting. Don't do what we hate people to do in relation to us--stereotype. And, remember, we don't live for everyone else.
    Secondly, just because you meet in Val Marie doesn't mean you have to be there for the rest of your lives. There's a big world out there, and I doubt yours will consist only of what you've seen of it so far.
    Finally, I don't know how much experience you've had with other gay men, but I suspect you are like I was in early 1986--still a virgin, hadn't played around with anyone, young lady or man, and stood on the precipice of becoming who I was meant to be. I'm not telling you to do something you're not prepared for or comfortable with; however, that said, I am saying you know who you are, you're of legal age, and what are you waiting for? Take a deep breath and dive in.
    Right know, you're all dreams and fantasy. Nothing wrong with that. But there's a difference between knowing you're gay and acting on it, even if all you do with another guy, until you find the right one, is hold hands, kiss, touch, and enjoy each other's company. You need some reality in your life. Will you get hurt? Sure. Will it be the most incredible reawakening of who you are? Absolutely. Believe me, for the first time in your life, you will come alive. You will be reborn. And everything you experience will be who you become.
    Don't do anything until you're ready. Even though I'm encouraging you, you know what you're ready for. Always stay true to who you are (that is, don't let anyone talk you into doing something you're not ready for), but, within those parameters, begin to explore what it means to be you.
    Make some calculated changes. Don't do anything stupid. And always, ALWAYS, be safe and be yourself.
    You are a special young man. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
    All the best.